Lost in Love

(31)

It was 3 in the afternoon and I found myself sitting in the front seat of a car. Wala akong imik, wala ako sa mood magsalita this time. Siguro hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa din matanggap na pinaasa na naman niya ako. At heto, nagpapakatanga na naman ako.

"Buti naman pumayag ka na magkita tayo. Ang akala ko may lakad ka."

"Hindi lang naman ikaw ang pwedeng magcancel ng lakad kung gugustuhin mo, Edward." I said without even looking at him. I was just staring outside the window. Sumasabay pa sa nararamdaman ko yung panahon. Mukhang uulan pa.

"Where do you want to eat?"

"Thanks pero hindi ako gutom."

"Coffee? Tea?"

"Tea, please."

Edward just drove in silence. Parked his car in front of a teahouse na first time ko lang napuntahan.

This is what I like with this man. Madaming alam na lugar. Lots of ideas. Hindi siya yung tipo ng tao na halos makikipagpatintero ka pa sa mga tanong na "San mo gusto kumain?" "Ikaw ang bahala" "Wala akong maisip e. Ikaw na" Na minsan, nakakabobo na.

As I was sipping from my cup of tea, I can see him looking at me intently. He looked so sad. Hindi ko alam kung malungkot na siya dahil nakikita niyang nadisappoint ako or malungkot siya dahil hindi natuloy yung masaya sana naming gabi.

He then broke the silence between us, "You're 23, right?"

I was surprised with his question I need him to repeat it for me, "Sorry?"

He then gave me that silly smile I can't help myself falling for him more. "Sorry about that. You looked very surprised with my question." As he still laughs at me. "It is such a compliment for me that a 23 yrs old lady here in front of me is spending time with a man 15 yrs older than her."

"Why? You didn't find it normal, did you?" I felt sad about the thought.

"Well, for the others, perhaps."

May gusto siyang sabihin sa akin but I know he still have reservations. And I know, the moment he'll open his mouth and talk, I'm sure hindi ko na gusto ang mga maririnig ko. Ayoko nang marinig pa. Alam kong masasaktan ako.

"Excuse me, I just need to use restroom." As I stand up and walk my way to the restroom.

I locked the door and looked myself in the mirror. Iniisip ko yung mga possible na bagay na pwede niyang sabihin sa akin pagbalik ko sa table namin.

"Ito na ba? Will he cut ties between us?" I found myself already crying. "Hindi ko kaya. Hindi ko kakayanin."

I can see my alter ego almost in pain. Bakit? Bakit pati ikaw nasasaktan? Ang akala ko ba lagi kang salungat sa mga plano at nararamdaman ko?

Lalo akong naiyak sa bawat naiisip ko. Minahal ba niya ako? Kaya ba siya mukhang malungkot kasi mahal na din niya ako at kailangan niya na ba akong iwan?

Kaya ba siya malungkot kasi never namang naging mutual ang feelings namin and tanging awa lang ang nararamdaman niya sa akin from the beginning?

Or baka hindi naman talaga siya malungkot? Or does he just wanted to show empathy for me to lessen the pain?

Mia, you can't find the answers here. You should go out and ask him all you want to know. In the first place, wala pa naman siyang sinasabi e. We have to wait for what he's gonna tell you.

Tama.

I get my handkerchief from my bag and wiped my tears. I looked in the mirror and managed to fake a smile.

I sit back and sip from my cup and looked at him, "Where were we?"

"Mia, remember when you asked me to be your teacher?"

I felt my cheeks burning and I whispered, "Y-yeah. Why?"

"And as your teacher for over a year and half, I am happy you have been graded A consistently. You've been a fast learner and been a good student to me."

I got the sudden change of mood. Ito na yung kinakatakot ko. Ayoko nang marinig pa kung ano yung sasabihin niya. Pinipigilan ko na lang yung luha ko pero surely once he utter those words, whatever it is, I'll breakdown.

"Anong gusto mong sabihin?"

"Mia, I don't want to be selfish. I want you to be happy with someone who can give more than of what I can give you."

Then and there, my vision got blurred and I know any time tutulo na luha ko.

"Why are you saying this to me? Hindi naman na kita kinukulit na lumagpas pa tayo sa kung anong meron tayo. Dati, oo. Pero Edward, I'm okay with this set up. Wala na sa plano ko na pilitin kita na mahalin din ako."

"And Mia, wala din sa plano ko na sirain ang buhay mo dahil lang mahal mo ako."

Wala akong naisagot sa kanya. Napigilan ko din bigla yung luha na malapit nang pumatak mula sa aking mga mata. Ano bang sinasabi mo? Pano mo bang sinisira ang buhay ko?

"I can't bear seeing you being disappointed every time na hindi ko natutupad ang mga pangako ko sayo. I don't want to keep you waiting and waste your every minute kapag hinihintay mo ang bawat pagdating ko. I don't want you to keep yourself from being blinded dahil lang ang gusto mong makita is yung bawat nagawa ko para sayo. I want you to be free."

"But I am happy with you. Masaya na ako sa kung anong meron tayo."

"You could be happier, Mia. I can assure you that."

"How can you assure that? Hindi mo alam kung anong nararamdaman ko ngayon!"

"I know it's gonna be hard for you, Mia. This is the best thing I can do for you. I care for you kaya 'ko ginagawa 'to."

"If you care for me you won't leave me."

He didn't answer. He just remained silent.

"Can I ask you a question?"

He nodded.

"By any chance, minahal mo ba ako?"

I waited for an answer. An honest answer.

I waited and there was none.

That moment, yung napigilan kong luha, hindi ko na napigilan pa.

I stood up and get my bag and I hurriedly walked out.

Then I realized, perhaps, getting no answer is also an answer.