Shawn Mendes Imagines {COMPLETED}

35. I'm A Mess

Today I was feeling especially insecure about myself. Not just my looks but just overall. I feel worthless. I feel like I'm a mess. Why do I feel like this you might ask? I don't know, but I wish I did know.

Am I ugly? I feel like I am. I've always felt insecure about my looks, it's just something that has been going on since I was a tween.

I think that I feel like I'm a mess because of my anxiety and bipolar disorder. (I actually do have those so if any of you ever need to talk, I'm always here) I know I shouldn't feel like this but I just do. Usually Shawn's able to make me feel better, but he isn't home right now, and sometimes I don't really feel a lot better because it's still in the back of my head that maybe I'm a mess.

As all of these thoughts were traveling through my mind at a hundred miles an hour, I heard the door open and then click shut. Shawn was home. Crap. He was going to see me upset like this and wonder if I'm okay, and he isn't going to like my answer. I don't  want him to see me like this.

"Y/n? I'm home from the studio!" Shawn called out. I walked down the stairs to greet him with my fake smile, hoping that he would buy it. But, of course, he didn't.

"What's wrong?" He asked immediately.

"Nothing." I said.

"Y/n, no secrets, remember?" He asked. Crap. We had made a deal that neither of us would keep any secrets from the other. I dropped my head before responding to him.

"Shawn, why are you with me?" I asked.

He threw his head back in laughter but stopped when he realized that I wasn't joking.

"Baby, what are you talking about? Where is this coming from? Did you look at hate from the fans and it's making you insecure?" He asked. I shook my head no.

"I just feel like I'm a mess. I mean, honestly Shawn, how can someone as perfect as you be with a girl that's a mess like me? I'm not even pretty." I said.

"First of all," he started "I'm not perfect. Second of all, you are the most gorgeous being on this planet. You're gorgeous inside and out. I can tell that there's more. What else is running through your mind, beautiful?"

"I'm a mess Shawn. I have anxiety and I panic over small things. I overthink about anything and everything. I have bipolar disorder. It makes me depressed, which I hate because I hate feeling sad, and I hate feeling useless, and I hate feeling worthless. It also makes my moods change crazy fast and I hate the fact that I can't control it Shawn." By the time that I was done talking, my body was shaking from my sobbing. Shawn walked over to hold me but I backed away. "You shouldn't be with a mess like me Shawn."

"You are not a mess Y/n and I'm not going to let myself lose you. I can't live without you. I just can't do it. What do I have to do to convince you that you're not a mess? Baby, you're perfect just the way you are and I love everything about you. I know that you hate those things about yourself but I love them. Those things are what makes you your unique self and I wouldn't change one damn thing about you. So baby, when I say that you're perfect to me and that I love everything about you, I mean it. And, somehow, I'll make you believe it and I'm going to make you believe in yourself and come to love every single thing about yourself. That, my dear, is a promise. I love you, I love you, I love you, and I'm never going to leave you or let myself lose you. Do you understand me Y/n?" He asked. By now I was crying for another reason: I was happy. So happy. Why was I so happy? Because I had Shawn, a man that loves me. I nodded my head, indicating that I understood every single word that he had said.

"Good," He said "Because all of it is true. I love you Y/n."

"I love you too Shawn. Can we cuddle and watch movies now? I just want to spend some time with you." I said.

"Of course, my love." He said while smiling. We layed on the couch, cuddled up against each other. We kept kissing each other and smiling at each other. He rubbed my back as I rubbed his chest. I'm so in love with this man and I couldn't be more grateful for him.