All About BBrae

When it falls apart 6

Raven hated hormones. She hated the mood swings, hated the sudden crying jags, hated the crazy food cravings, and hated the sudden desire to laugh at the most inappropriate times. Hated that she could be reduced to a pile of goop just by looking a baby clothes. But most of all she hated that the hormones made her feel so damn emotional. Hated that the feelings she tried so hard to control, were able to run her. And all of those rampant hormones were telling her to forgive him.

He'd arrived the night of her baby shower. An elaborate, not entirely female affair put together by Kori and Cassie, with a little help from Jinx. Needless to say it was very pink. But it had been fun, a grand celebration of the life that was within her; although why Jinx and Cassie thought her child would wear anything such lurid shade of pink was beyond her understanding. Although judging by the gifts, which included a plush bo-staff, a mini archery kit, and a complete car kit, she figured they weren't the only excited delusional people in the Tower.

She knew he had to have arrived after the party, when he knew they'd all be asleep. It was the only way she figured her highly perceptive powers, which had so far claimed the lives of four sofas, two TVs, one refrigerator and about seventy-nine light bulbs, didn't sense his aura.

He sought her out. In a perverse parallel of the time she'd abandoned him, he found her in that same place. Precariously perched on those same rocks, wondering what the hell you say to the father of your child who's been gone for the past eight months. Do you yell? Cry? Ignore him? Do you forgive him? That thought made her pause for a moment. Was there anything to forgive?

That's how he found her. Deep in a debate about how she should respond to him if and when they finally spoke to each other. She was so deep in thought that she almost missed it, him breathing her name for the first time in months. Almost missed the way his hand began to reach for hers. Almost missed the look in his eyes when he saw her swollen belly; when he saw the place where their child was.

"Touch it." Out of all she'd been planning to say that wasn't it. But that look, that look of shock, of awe and joy told her that it was the right thing to say. It was the perfect catalyst for the thoughts that she was finally forming.

"Gar." His name crept from her mouth, as if her lips had forgotten how to form the letters of his name. Licking her suddenly dry lips she began again. " I tried to be mad at you. I tried to be angry at you and I tried to despise you." It surprised her how easy it is for the words to come. "I thought that you had abandoned me. Abandoned us. Thought that I had scared you away." Another simple statement, another simple truth. " But it wasn't me. I did nothing wrong. I was not the reason you abandoned me, abandoned us." He flinches slightly at the word 'abandoned', but does not remove his hand from her stomach. She can sense him tensing, waiting for the diatribe he thinks is coming, waiting for his proverbial tongue-lashing. But that's not where she's taking this speech.

"It wasn't you either. You are not entirely to blame." His hand stops the lazy circles it had begun, but his eyes stay glued to her belly. "You were scared. I know that now. And you had to leave because you were scared. You needed this fear, needed this scare, but you had to deal with it alone. You had to leave." He's finally looking at her and she can see it in his eyes, see that she was right, that she hadn't just been grasping at straws when she thought of all the reasons he'd left her. But she's not done yet. "I'm not mad. How can I be? I've run from you before out of fear, out needing to deal on my own and needing to be away. And I realized that if you were half the man I think you are you'd come back. That you'd realize that you belong here with me, with us." She's done for now, although there's so much more she wants to say, like how much she missed him, how she slept in his bed just smell him. How she wished he'd been there for the first pictures, the first heartbeats. But she can wait.

"I'm sorry." It's so soft she almost doesn't hear it. Before she can respond he continues. "The last time we were here like this you were the one who had left, the one who had run away when things got tough. And I…I was the one who was left behind, hurting. You'd think that I would've learned back then that running away out fear is no good. That I would've remembered how lonely and sad I felt while you were gone. You'd think knowing that would've kept me from doing the same thing to you, kept me from putting you through all this. But you know how strong fear is, how it can make you feel like running away is the only escape, is the only way to pull yourself together. You know how it feels to be so scared that it hurts." He stops briefly, and she can't help but wonder where he's going with this. And then he begins again.

" I don't know much about being a parent; about being a dad. I don't know much about raising and caring for a child. And I'm scared as hell that I'll mess up and screw up our child for the rest of his life and ours. And I know that I missed out on so many things already. But if you're willing to forgive me, to give me another opportunity, I'm ready. I ready to do this with you, ready to be here for you both."

For a moment her mind goes blank. She knows he's waiting for a response, knows that she should answer, but for a brief second she can't say anything. But just for a moment. "Did you miss me?" She knows the answer but she needs to hear him say it. "Desperately." She's got one more question, "Do me a favor?" "Anything." "You have to promise me that you won't leave again. Promise me that you won't make me live another eight months without you. Promise me that we'll do the best we can to raise our child. That no matter what I say during childbirth you won't leave the room." He's smiling now, a Cheshire grim lighting up his jade face. "Promise me that and you'll get that second chance." She's standing now; head tilted back to look him in the face, the smallest of smirks on her face. There were no words. Only the sweetest, lightest butterfly kisses, sealing and promising so much more.

It's not till they're walking back to the Tower, his arms wrapped protectively around her, that she tells him the secret she's been keeping. "By the way Gar, I just found out that we're having twins." And although she's no astronomer, she's sure that the smile on his face can be seen all the way on Tameran.