babble with andie

2 // i just have a lot of feelings okay ?¿

{date: 12.23.2017}

//xx//

Okay, so this is gonna be me just pouring shit out yeah ? So like wtf is wrong with me ?¿ i mean like ive had so many chances & stuff. & the last time i messed up big time. i don't expect you to do anything. I just really, really hate my emotions. & like i have a habit of bottling them up && i know that its not healthy. But i just dont wanna deal with it you know ? Like i just have so many emotions from so many different things & it really sucks that sometimes i feel like i have to keep it in. Like sometimes when i want to talk about something with my friends, i feel really annoying because ive already talked so much about the topic, it's repetitive. But i just cant help it. I still have a lot to say. Im always thinking about the most random things. & when I actually know what im feeling, thats kinda rare because most of the time its a mix of a lot & I cant really tell what im feeling. I either feel numb, like i cant feel anything or i feel every single emotion that you can think of. && 2017 has been a year of so much FEELINGS for me. Ive had so many feelings this year & im like woah. & my heart has just been like wtf. So. Much. Fucking. Emotions. Im a fucking wreck.

Also, i dont even know how to feel about you. I have so many thoughts & feelings towards you. & im scared like i try so hard not to mess with my feelings. But you were the first person to like reassure me I guess ?¿ i cant even DESCRIBE it. I just want to try again & give you so much more. I keep thinking of the 'what ifs' & i think its kinda killing me on the inside. I literally dont know what to fucking do. This thought has been on & off. & like its kinda just chxjdjsjsd. Uuugggghhhhh. I dont even know.

Like what if there was more communication ? What if we were a lil bit older ? What if i didnt tell my friends that much & i just kept it low key ?? What if i knew what i wanted & was firm in my decisions ? What if right ? But those are always just gonna be questions that i probably will never know the answer to. Im a lil bit scared to even talk to you about this. I feel like we werent as close as we used to be.

I miss talking to you everyday about random shit. I miss our late night talks. Our facetimes. I miss everything.

//xx//

Lmao. Feelings suck. But oh well. I just had a lot of feelings this morning lol. & i just needed to get some out. So, i hope you enjoyed reading this sad, emo shit lol. See you next time ! - andie