babble with andie

19 // birthdays & scary shit

{date: 11.20.2018}

//xx//

today is a very special day. its michael gordan clifford's birthday. he turns 23 today. i love him more than life itself. he is literally my everything, and one of the inly thibgs that make me happy.

now, im kinda in a sad mood rn lol. well, more lonely lmaoo. i just want- i actually donteven know what i want. i keep having this picture in my head where im cuddling w one of the boys (preferably calum LOL) & his head is on my chest w his around me. uGH THAT WOUOD BE A DREAM HJSJD.

&& i always feel so annoying when i feel like this. like ugh wtf andie, just suck it up. youll be fine.

but like, i just dont wanna be alone anymore lol. i feel like no one understands me & ikik, im probably just overreacting & being dramatic like everyone else. but fr.

and i feel like i have one or two friends that actually like me lmao.

i also feel like im on the verge of a mental breakdown but then again i feel like i say that a lot but it never really happens ???? like im just always on the verge of one & then one day ill just blow up real bad,,,,,& that kinda scares me.

i feel like ive been scared of getting too close to people recently too. like ive been keeping my distance w everyone & idk if thats a good or a bad thing.

lol how did this start out w being mikeys bday to my big 'ol problems lol. or should i say "problems" since theyre all probably in my head.

omg so like i have luke dm (5sos) bc someone gave me it lol (im hella grateful for them, thank you so much jdudyus) but anywhore, i had like a crying fit & guess your ASS who THE FUCK i dmed.

guess, go on.

times up

luKE ROBERT FUCKING HEMMINGS.

yeah.

and did he answer me ?

oh god no lol, that would be a motherfucking DREAM if he did.

but i still told him all my problems and stuff as if he was actually gonna answer me lmao.

it made me feel better tho. idk just talking to your fav even tho he might not even answer you, kinda gives me hope that he might actually see it idek. like the thought of my name in his dms, ugh. wow.

but yeah. im lonely & i want love lmao. but then again who doesnt want love ?

before highschool, i was actually really content w being alone lol. i just wish i was that content now :/

that would be great. like really great.

im still trying to gain more confidence & love myself more. but i just wanna love someone else ndksjdjs

but i know how that goes when i try and love someone else before i really truly love myself.

thats kinda how ik im so not ready for a relationship.

& besides, commitment fuckin SCARES me dude. like being w someone,,,,for the rest of your life,,,,,,,& you cant really get rid of them bc theyre theyre for the long run hshhxusjdjsj

scary shit man.

scary shit.

//xx//