Wait...What Happened?

Vlogging Again

The smell of food woke me up about an hour later. As I got up and walked to the kitchen, I noticed that I was the last one to get up. I reached the bottom of the steps and I heard them talking in hushed voices.

"What are we going to do with her?"

"She needs to get better before going on stage."

"I know, Lou, we can't have her passing out. I don't care about her scars, though."

"You guys may not not but what about our fans?"

I didn't hear my siblings or best friends, it was just the five boys. I'm not sure where they were but I was on the verge of tears. I don't want to go to treatment, it'd be a living hell.

"Our fans...they'll just...well she's not going to wear long sleeves and jeans while on stage. It's hot as hell under those lights, plus moving around."

I stepped into the kitchen and cleared my throat. Scared all of them, too, but I wasn't in the mood to laugh. They had done pissed me off. I took a deep breath before speaking.

"First of all, save your apologies, I don't want to hear them. Second, why couldn't you come to me and talk about this instead of talking about it behind my back!? I'm human and have feelings just like you guys! Third, I'm not going to hide my scars because you don't want the fans to see. In fact, the fans would find it really inspirational and encouraging to have a recovering cutter up there. Here's food for thought, a lot more of your fans are struggling with self-harm, depression, eating disorders, and many other metal problems than YOU think!" I had spat out so pissed off.

I turned around and ran upstairs, I just have to get out of here. Once in my room, I grabbed my camera, tripod, cell phone, iPod, a sweater, and car keys. My hand hovered above my bag with my blades in. Niall and Louis found the ones that weren't in the bag...No, I don't need it, don't need them. I grab the bag and found Liam. I grabbed his arm and gave him the bag and said "Do what you please with them. I DON'T need them. I'm only killing myself."

I got in the car and drove off. Not sure where I was going, just needed a quiet place to flim.

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I found a wooded area with a small pond. It was chilly so, I put my sweatshirt on or should I say Liam's sweater. I wasn't paying attention to who's I grabbed, just grabbed one. I set up the camera and hit record. Still wasn't sure what I was going to do or say. So I just put on my music and started singing along. The first song to play was A Match into Water by Pierce The Veil.

'I kissed the scars on her skin, I still think you're beautiful, And I don't ever wanna lose my best friend. I screamed out, "God, you vulture, Bring her back or take me with her."

Tear it down break the barricade, I want to see what sound it makes, I hate this flavor with a passion and I fucking hate the aftertaste

How does it feel?, How does it feel?, Well it feels like I'm on fire! Wake up, I know you can hear me.'

I finished singing the song and turned the iPod down. Still wasn't sure what I was going to do, yet. I moved the camera to the side of the pond and found a log to sit on. I looked around to see if there was a flower to play with or to put into my hair, there wasn't.

"Ayeeeeeeeeeee. Wadddddup everyone?! I've missed you bunches!!" I said talking to the camera, "Well, you're probably wondering why I haven't posted a video in a few weeks. And the answer to that is......I'VE MOVED!! Where? To London! Yes, that's right, I am now living in Great Britain. Isn't that where One Direction lives? Why, yes it is. You guys are so smart! That's why I love you guys so much!! In my next video I'll explain why I'm living here. Right now, I need to tell you guy something..." I said trailing off and looking around nervously, looking down at my hands I noticed they were shaking. That's never a good sign.

Taking a deep breath I continued, "I'm sure most of you have probably wondered why I was usually wearing long sleeves or a sweater in most of my videos. And...well the answer to that is....I'm a self-harmer. Cutting, to be more exact." I took of my sweatshirt and turned my arms out so the camera could see the scars and cuts. "Before I came out here, I gave my bag of blades to someone I love and told them to do whatever they please with them. I'm just hoping they threw them away! Today is the day that I deiced I wanted to get clean. So, as of today, I am a recovering cutter. I hope those of you struggling with it, too, can give up your blades, or whatever you're using to harm yourself, to someone you love and tell them to get rid of them. I know it may be difficult but it will be worth it! I promise!" I said blowing kisses at the camera.

"If you're wondering, I started vlogging as an outlet instead of cutting. And for the most part it helped. So, I'm asking you, to please find a different outlet. Werther it's writing poems or songs or making vlogs or even working out/going to the gym. Something other than marking your own skin. BUT if you relapse just remember its part of recovery. So don't beat yourself up over it. Well, it looks like this video is getting kind of long. So, I'll leave you with a little clip of A Match into Water that I sang when I fist got here. Like, comment, subscribe, share. My twitter link is below. This is A-Warriors-Heart signing off. I love you guys! See you later." I said waving and making a heart with my hands. I got up and hit the stop recording button.

I checked the time on my phone and realized how long I had actually been out here. I had left about 11:15am and its now around 3:00pm.

"Yah they must be worried. Or at least wondering where I am. I probably should get back. And, I'm hungry, I didn't eat when I left this morning. Back to the car I go" I said to myself and laughing out loud.

Once I got back to my car, I realized that I didn't know where I was exactly. Thank god for navigation apps. I plugged in the address of the house and started driving.

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Hope you guys like the update. My one month mark was on Monday! Stay strong. Love you guys! (: <3