Soulless (Justin Bieber Love Story / Fan Fiction)

LVI

LVI.
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Song of the chapter:
Trouble by Cage the Elephant
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Entry from March 31, 2014

Justin is in love with me.

Justin Bieber is in love with Kennedy Nolan.

The monstrous, soulless, devil is in love with the timid, shy, introvert. How cliché?

What isn't cliché is the fact that the timid introvert wasn't falling all over the dark being. It was the other way around! She's the one who is afraid of commitment; not the malicious man!

Of course, Justin is no longer the devil or dark in my mind. He's warm and sweet and thoughtful and brave, while I am a terrible little coward for many reasons — one, being that I am continuing these entries, and two, because I'm not sure if I am in love with the young man who has given me countless reasons to love him.

I feel naive and stupid. I feel terrible for letting Justin down. And most importantly, I feel conflicted as to whether or not I love Justin back.

I love his charm, his intellect, his ability to listen, his heart, and his ungodly looks, of course. I love his passion. I love his motivation. I love his ideas. I love his sense of humor. I love his thoughtfulness. I love his hands. I love his lips. I love it all.

The only thing I do not like about Justin is my uncertainty. I don't know much about his past. I don't know much about where he came from. I don't know what his exact intentions are or what his thoughts are. Of course, I couldn't know everything, but sometimes our relationship felt lacking in that sense.

All in all, I knew deep within my soul that I wanted to love Justin more than anything. Even more than I wanted NYU.

End of entry from March 31, 2014.

I slid my notebook underneath my pillow, too lazy to walk it over to my bookshelf where I typically had it. It was late, and I was exhausted after a long day of internal conflict. It was really all I did on that Sunday—I left Justin's around 4:00 PM and since then, I had been replaying Justin's words in my head to make sure that I had heard everything in the way I was intended to. I felt drained.

It was 10:36 PM according to my cell phone that rested on the pillow beside me that typically belonged to Justin. He was typically over by then, sneaking into my bedroom window so we could sleep next to each other. Due to the very minimal text messages exchanged between the two of us, I had a feeling he was not planning on spending the night. After all, why would he want to spend the night with me after I didn't say "I love you" back?

Restlessly, I tossed and turned. It was strange without Justin there. Though we hadn't seen much of each other since my busy-spell, we always made it necessary to go to bed together every single night— except for that one, I suppose.

I wanted him there. I knew for a fact that I would have slept better and felt better and all around been in a better mood if he was there sleeping next to me, holding me tightly to his body, but I blew it. Our long honeymoon stage seemed to be coming to an abrupt end, surprisingly, at my own dispense.

Never did I think that I was going to be the demise of our relationship. Perhaps I was thinking too soon to know if it was truly over or not, but I was the realistic one of the two of us, after all.

My heart skipped a beat when I heard a tapping on my window. I shot up in my bed, expecting, and hoping, to see Justin standing at the window. To my dismay, he was not.

I noticed the wind blowing the trees, indicating that a branch or twig must have hit the glass.

I huffed and felt around for my phone, checking to see if Justin had reached out to me in the previous moments. Again, he had not.