The Thing that Differs Us...

Living with an ex

1 Week Later:

I have officially dumped Addison. But I'm living with him. Does that make any sort of sense, at all? I am currently living with an ex while pregnant with his baby. I know, it's so stupid but I have no choice. I can't live on my own. I don't have words of how awkward it is to be around the house. I mean, I'm still attracted to him, sexually, and I know he is too. It's horrible to see him come home, from wherever he's been, and not be able to give him a peck on the lips for not seeing him for a few hours.

It's also sad too, to live with a terminal cancer patient. I see him take the drugs in his bathroom mirror every morning. I see him, take 13 pills, exactly. I've seen him too many times, so now I know the exact amount of medication he takes. It's awful. He doesn't know I'm looking but with the door slightly open and me on the end of my bed, I can see his eyes looking at his thin hair and running his hand through it. But he is improving, to say the least. He's put on more weight. Less feeble. Which is good, I guess.

To add on... it's also heartbreaking. I cry myself to sleep every night. I miss him. I miss sleeping in the same bed. I miss kissing him and telling him that I love him. I just still can't believe we broke up.

I have my first scan on Monday. It's Sunday, today. Addison has persuaded me to let him come. I had to. He's the father.

On that Sunday evening, he came back with a pizza. I heard the door open and a plastic bag ruffling as he came in.
'Hey.' he said.
'Hi.' I was lying on the couch with a blanket surrounding my stomach.
'I uh,' he cleared his throat 'I bought pizza'
'Cool' I smiled. This is so awkward.
His perfect hands unwrapped the pizza from the plastic bag and then he walked towards me with the box. He also grabbed a plate from the cupboard.
He sat down next to me and placed the plate gently on my lap. He gave me the sexiest look by staring into my eyes and giving the slightest smirk. I hadn't breathed in or breathed out. My mind hadn't realized that my lungs held my breath. As he turned away, I exhaled as quietly as possible.
Two pizzas had appeared on my plate without me realizing.
'Thanks, Addison.' I missed calling him Addie.
'No worries.'
I wanted to kiss him so bad.
We ate the pizza in silence. Then, I suddenly felt really tired.
'I think I'm going to bed. Thanks for the pizza.' I mumbled.
'No worries, night.'
'Night.' I repeated.
I walked into the bedroom and quickly shut the door quietly. My back leaned against it. My eyes exploded into tears as my body slid down the door. Then landed on the floor with a thump, rather ungracefully on my ass.

After 10 minutes, I went to bed, mainly to wait until midnight. To do what exactly? Exactly what you'd expect. And I did. There was no force this time. No hesitation. Addison didn't interrupt and I kept on slicing. I hadn't done it since Addie found out. It was a big relief of freedom. Just to smell the blood released me from my mental cage in my brain. Sorry, Addison, we're not together anymore so I can do what I like.