adopted by josh dun | j.w.d

32

"i-i can't do this anymore. i-i'm sorry" i sobbed into the phone. "breathe okay? you can get through this! stay alive, please!" he begged me, his voice cracking. "i'm sorry. i love you" i whispered, ending the call.

~
trigger warning
suicide

the trauma.
the voices.
the words.
the pain.

i bottled it all up and tried to get through the day. but i couldn't. i had a panic attack in the girls bathroom and cried. amy found me and laughed. she made fun of me with her clan while i ran, trying to escape.

"i don't know why your still here"
"honestly your better off dead!"
"josh dosent love you!"
"why aren't you dead yet?"
"go and commit suicide you ugly bitch"
"your nothing to be honest"
"adopted freak"
"end your life"

this was nearly worse than my abuse before i got put into a home. i held my tears in and tried not to let it get to me. but it fucking did. i couldn't take it anymore. "i'm gonna go call josh" i say to my friends. "shall we come with you?" hayley put an arm round me. "i-it's okay" i insist. "thanks. i-i love you guys" i say, blinking my tears back. "we love you too"

i went to my locker and screamed. pills and razor blades spilled out. there was a noose inside to. the world would be a better place without you it read. tears welled up in my eyes. i felt someone sharply push me. "i don't know why your still carrying on" she whispered.

i bolted out of the area, escaping the laughter and torture. the words and events replayed in my head. tears rolled down my cheeks. i opened the doors and escaped the horrible place called "school".

i ran as fast as my legs could carry me. josh wasn't home. this was a good thing. i made it and threw my bag down. i let my ugly sobs fill the air as i took my phone out and dialled the right number. "mariah!? what's wrong!?" josh exclaimed, picking up. "i-i can't go on" i whispered. "mariah no! your stronger than this! where are you!? i'll come and-" i cut him off.

"no josh! you can't live in fear because of me! i'm nothing! i'm not worth it! j-just let me go!" i went. "i'm not letting you go!" he said. "i-i can't do this anymore. i-i'm sorry" i sobbed into the phone. "breathe okay? you can get through this! stay alive, please!" he begged me, his voice cracking. "i'm sorry. i love you" i whispered, ending the call.

i texted my friends, my family, tyler, jenna, brendon and sarah:

thank you for everything. i love you. stay strong and live on. i'm sorry for doing this. but you'll get over it...x

i started getting calls and texts. i texted amy to. you won i typed. i powered off my phone and rummaged through the cabinets, looking for the things i needed.

the pills.

i squeezed the cap and tried getting it off. it wouldn't budge! i tried again. i banged it everywhere. no use! i started sobbing away. i was too worthless to even end my life.

"what are you doing!?" the bottle got knocked out of my hand and the tablets flew around the room. "NO!" i cried out. "what did you do!?" i screamed, looking at the pellets all over the floor.

tyler?

"hey it's okay" josh held me close as i screamed and cried, looking at what i'd done. i heard footsteps running in.

darkness overcame me as i fell asleep in his arms.