Taemin in real life.

Part 51

I didn't see her before the show started, I tried to look for her but I couldn't see her anywhere. I just had to go out and perform with the guys and not think about it. I asked one of the staff to go and look for her, help her.

It was as the show finished I realised Chanyeol was no were to be seen. It made me feel angry again but this time it was mixed with guilt, as I stepped off the stage the staff I had asked to find her told me she had already left but didn't know where to or who with. I didn't dare to ask them if they knew where he had gone too.

I tried looking around for Sarah, but Jongin told me that she had left already with Kyungsoo.

I knew I could not go back to our hotel room in my current state. I had to calm down before I saw her again. Inside myself I knew I was being irrational. Unfair. I knew I couldn't control her and I knew I had to trust her. We had had this conversation so many times. I was just finding it so hard to do.

I asked Jinki to hold back with me a while. He could tell there was something I wanted to discuss with him not in front of the others, so he agreed. I could have asked any of them for advice, but Jinki was always the one not to judge you no matter how much you fucked up.

I told him everything that happened. He knew the majority of the story anyway, but I told him in detail what had happened tonight. How I felt and how I was a little afraid at my own anger.

'What if I do it again?' I whispered after my long explanation. 'I don't want to be that guy, I don't want to be the guy that hurts his girl like this. I don't want to be this angry, this jealous.' I took a deep breath and wiped my face.

He looked at me long and hard, his face was serious, more serious than I had ever seen him.

'I'm not going to lie to you Taemin, what you did, no matter how angry you are is not acceptable. You need to get yourself under control. Figure out a way for you to calm down, if you feel yourself losing it, then get out of there. Just leave the house, go and dance, call me, do anything except let yourself get that angry where you feel like you might harm her, or anyone else.'

He gave me a small disappointed smile and rubbed my shoulder. I looked up at him, I was lost. I was drowning in my own emotions; the love I felt was too strong and I was ruining it myself. My tears dripped down as I looked away from him, embarrassed with myself. I sighed in frustration as I covered my face with my hands.

'Come on Tae, this is part of growing, something to learn, everyone goes through patches. The question I think is necessary to ask yourself is do you trust her? Do you love her enough that you trust her? You can love without trust, but if there is not trust there is not true love. You need to talk to her. Explain, and apologise. For god sake apologise.'

'Do you think she will leave me?' I asked him fear bubbling up inside me.

He sighed and shook his head. 'I don't know. Honestly. It would be hard to stay, but it depends on her. Everyone is different. Some people will leave at the slightest hint of something like this, and some would stay but I can't say for sure. What I do know is that she does love you, and as far as I can see she has been honest with you. Yes, she had been hanging out with him more than you like in some ways she needs to adjust that and respect your feelings about him more, but in another you need to respect the fact he is her friend now. She doesn't have many people here and she is alone. She came here and put her trust in you. Now that trust is being broken, and it's pushing her to him more, you have to see that right? You both need to just talk it through together, only you two know the state of your relationship. No one else. Not me, and not him'.

I took in what he was saying. I composed myself and thanked him for listening, for his wise words and his support.

'You know I won't tell anyone what you're going through, so if you need to talk again, you know where I am' he told me giving me a hug before we parted.

I got in the car and was driven back to the hotel. I felt anxious. Dread filled my stomach as I pulled into the drive way. I was scared to talk to her, knowing now I had to talk to her properly, and seriously. I was also scared she wasn't going to be there. Worried I had gone too far and drove her away.

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