Taemin in real life.

Part 61

The next few days were a bit of a blur. I had to go back to my schedule and then I had to go back to Japan for the rest of the tour. I had to be there for 10 days straight, before I was going to come back, and that was only after I had fought with my manager about it. I was originally supposed to spend the whole month there.

I was worried about leaving Jen alone, she didn't want to fly, and I didn't want to push her to come, so I asked Sarah if she would stay in my house with her for the 10 days I was not going to be there. She agreed which helped me feel a little better about the situation.

It was a long 10 days away. I worried and wanted to be back with her every second I was away. I called Sarah regularly, as Jen refused to answer the phone most of the time. She gave me regular updates on how she was, how she was healing, and her overall mental state, which seemed to be improving slightly. She was getting up and eating a little more half way through me being away, however she was still not answering her phone or talking to me a whole lot.

I began to feel like she was pulling away from me. Maybe she did blame me for everything. Would she have been so wrong, really? I blamed myself, I blamed myself for bringing her here and putting her in this environment, for getting her pregnant when we hadn't talked about it, for getting her stabbed and then for losing the baby. I wasn't over the loss myself, but I blamed myself for it all. I hurt her, I caused her to get on that flight that day and I caused the fan to stab her.

I know it was irrational to think this way. I knew Jen and I knew deep down she didn't blame me, but maybe I was blaming myself so much I was then trying to hold onto her so hard it was causing her to pull back. Neither of us were dealing with the situation well at all.

I came back to Korea the day after the last show, we had almost two weeks before the last few shows and then we'd have a break. After the month I had been through I needed the break.

The day I got back Jonghyun took me to the store to look at the rings he said he would help me choose. I was still set on asking her to marry me, and I decided I would get the ring now, and then when I got back I would ask her.

I liked them all but there was one that stood out to me as being the most 'her'. It was simple, elegant, beautiful. Somewhat in the same way she was. It reminded me of her, so I bought it there and then.

'I missed you,' I whispered climbing into bed and putting my arms around her the first night I was back.

She hummed but didn't really answer me.

'Baby?' I cooed into her.

'I'm sorry Taemin.' She whispered.

'Sorry for what?' I asked surprised, lifting myself up off the pillow and onto my arm to look over her. She was turned the opposite way from me so I couldn't see her face.

'For everything, the way I have been. Sometimes I just shut down.'

I rubbed her shoulders. 'That's ok, you've been through a lot. We've been through a lot. But we are going to be ok, everything will be ok now.'

She hummed again. There was something about that humming that unsettled me. She was so direct most of the time, it's what I loved about her the most. She didn't bullshit, she just told me and she was so positive. This was indifference and I wasn't liking it.

'You do, you do still want to be here, with me?' I asked uncertainly. The question tumbling out before I thought about it.

She turned over to face me before she answered. I wasn't enjoying the long pause. Her eyes searched my face for a long time.

'You do still love me?' I asked, rather pathetically.

Her eyes softened on mine. I saw the love, but I saw something else, something die.

'I think I will always love you.' She said eventually.

'I will always love you too.' I said feeling relieved.

'But..' she began. My eyes widened in shock, not shock, horror. No buts, please, no buts.

'But, sometimes, love isn't enough. Sometimes things happen and you just can't stay in the same place and pretend everything is ok, when you know it isn't' she whispered very quietly. Her eyes told me she was full of sadness, but her tone told me she had thought about this for a while.

'I know you're not ok now, I'm not ok now too, but we will be soon.' I begged. 'It's not pretending, it's getting through it. Isn't it?' I asked, the pleading was palpable in my tone.

She sighed as she looked into my eyes. 'You are right. You are, but sometimes the things that happen are so big they change us and knock us out, and you just can't get through it anymore.' She looked away from me.

'Please don't leave me.' I whispered, longing in my voice, I stroked her arm.

Her eyes found mine again, I couldn't look, and yet I couldn't look away. 'Tae... I don't want to leave, ... but I don't know if I can stay.'

'Why?' I asked defiant I could get her to stop talking like this.

'It's not you Tae. You are everything I wanted, I love you so much and you try so hard, even though you get it wrong, you get emotional, jealous, that's ok, but I'm so messed up by everything that happened, one thing after another thing. I don't know, maybe the age gap is too much. Maybe you need to be young first, before you have to deal with these kinds of things. You are so talented, I don't want to ruin that, fans leaving you because of me, getting upset and then getting themselves into trouble. I don't want to cause that. I want you to have a great life.' As she finished speaking a tear dropped from her eye.

'Baby, you make my life greater, the greatest it could ever be. The age gap is not too much. Fans will eventually have to realise I need to be with someone at some point. I will take care of you better. I will not be so emotional, or jealous, I want to learn to be better, but I want to with you at my side.' I begged, I knew I was begging, but if ever there was a time to beg, it was when the love of your life was telling you they want to leave. A tear escaped my eye.

'Please, don't think like this anymore, don't leave me.' I whispered with as much earnest as I had.

She stroked the side of my face and wiped away my tears as I reached for her face and wiped hers of her cheek. She looked into my eyes for the longest time. I could see the fight going on in her mind, round and round. Eventually she sighed deeply before she could speak I repeated. 'Please, don't leave me, not like this. Just, just think about it some more.'

She nodded once, her eyes never leaving mine and I breathed a sigh of relief.

I took her in my arms and held her tightly. 'I love you.' I whispered.

'I love you too' she whispered back.

I was as unsettled as I had ever been, I knew this conversation wasn't finished, but for tonight, she was still here, she was in my arms, and she still loved me.

h'