Taemin in real life.

Part 62

For the next two weeks I spent as much time as I could with Jen. At times, I felt like I was annoying her maybe but the day before I was due to go back to Japan we ended up laughing together for the first time in a long, long time. It was like we had gone back in time, before any of this happened. We were in the kitchen together, I was attempting to cook, however my cooking skills are not up to much. I was trying to make pancakes, that we always eat together, and I just wasn't getting it. In frustration I flipped the pancake so hard it stuck to the ceiling, I looked up at it for what felt like 100 years, before it fell, as if in slow motion, and landed smack bang on my head.

'FUCK.' I cursed in anger, I turned to look at Jen, angry with myself, my lack of cooking skill and a pancake on my head and we both just burst into laughter. We laughed so hard, for so long that we were both on the floor with tears streaming down our faces.

She picked up the offending pancake from the floor, nibbled slightly at the edges and said with a completely straight face, 'tastes like shit too.' Causing the pair of us to fall about laughing for another 10 minutes.

That was the first day I thought things were going to get better. She was still a little distant and I knew unhappy, but she never brought up the things she said the first night I was back home. I didn't dare to bring them up either, not wanting to tempt fate and push her away from me.

I had begun to make plans on how and when I was going to ask her to marry me. Trying to push on forward and start again, I was thinking, when I was back from Japan, the next week would be the year anniversary of when we met, and what better way to ask her to marry me, than to take her somewhere on the coast, under the stars and ask her to marry me. The same way I fell in love with her on the cliff in Bali under the stars so many nights. I ran it past Key and Jonghyun who both loved the idea and were the only two romantic and soppy enough to listen to me.

I had not told anyone about the conversation. I didn't want anyone to burst my bubble I had imagined us in and tell me that actually it was a stupid idea.

The day before I left again, I decided to leave the ring I had bought with Jongin. I couldn't trust myself not to lose it in Japan, and at least he would put it safely away in the dorm, so he wouldn't lose it either. I thought I would pick it up when I got back, maybe before I even came home.

Jen was functioning well, so I didn't ask Sarah to stay, but I did throw her a message and ask her to just check up on her to make sure she was ok.

'I love you, I'll be back before you know it.' I winked at her and kissed her head as I was leaving.

There was a sad smile on her face, for the first time in days, and that familiar feeling started to settle in my stomach again.

'I love you too, しょっちゅう (itsumademo)' she whispered back. Our word.

'I'll call you when I get back.' I told her.

She didn't answer.

The shows went quickly, and I enjoyed them, like I enjoy every performance however I was so anxious to get back to her, and ask her to marry me I just wanted to go home. As I laid in bed the night before I was due to go home, I got several messages. However, I was sleeping, exhausted from the shows so I didn't see them until the morning when I woke up.

All of them where from Jen. All of them about the same thing.

12.02 J: Taemin, they reported my miscarriage? Did you know about this?

12.35 J: Tae I can't deal with this. I can't deal with the world knowing I lost my baby. I can't even deal with me knowing it.

2.45 J: I'm sorry Taemin. I'm sorry, I just can't do this anymore. I can't be here. I will always love you.

I jumped out of bed in a panic. No. No. No. She can't leave. No, no, no, no, no. Please no.

I looked at the clock, it was 9am, I dialled her number several times with no answer. I called Sarah who said she had to leave Seoul and was on a bus heading down to Busan to see a friend, apologising as she thought it would be ok since I was back today.

I called and called but no answer.

Our flight was not for a few hours, and I knew there was no way I could get there any quicker now. All I could do was call and hope she would answer.

I dressed and packed in a panic, constantly redialling her number.

'COME ON PICK UP THE PHONE.' I screamed.

On maybe the 600th time I called she answered.

'Taemin, please don't call me anymore.' She said, sighing, sounding like she had been crying.

'Baby, what are you doing? Please just talk to me, why aren't you answering the phone?' I rambled as fast as I could, scared she was going to hang up on me.

'Taemin,' she was crying, 'Tae, you, you will just tell me to stay, talk me round, tell me it will be fine, and I want to believe you, but I can't deal with this, everyone knows about what's happened, everyone, did you know?' she asked.

I took a deep breath and I answered, 'Yes I knew' in barely a whisper.

She didn't speak, she just sobbed down the phone. 'My love, please, I didn't tell you because I didn't want to upset you, but please don't leave. Just let me come home, and we can talk face to face, please don't leave like this, please.' My heart was racing. My ears were on fire, my stomach was on the floor, and I felt very like I might vomit at any moment.

Her sobs finally subsided after a lot of me cooing 'Please stop crying, please don't cry anymore.' And her breathing steadied out.

'Just stay in the house ok, I am leaving for the flight now, and I will be there soon, just promise me you'll be there ok?' I begged one last time.

'Ok' she sighed sadly.

I prayed and prayed she would still be there when I got home.

or them-'E