Taemin in real life.

Part 64 Epilogue 1 year later.

Epilogue 1 year later.

I really wish she was here for this. My first real solo show. I haven't seen her since that night about a year ago. I've thought about it. Finding her. Going to see her. Bringing her to me, begging her to come back. But after what happened I just couldn't, I couldn't find the right words to change her mind. I knew nothing would bring her back.

We have spoken a few times since that night. Mostly empty texts wishing each other well. I text her maybe a week or two after she left, and I had managed to get myself together and asked her if she was safe. She replied with only. 'Yes x'.

She did love me, deep inside myself I knew she did, and I knew she always would, the same way I would always love her. Somewhere in the past year I had managed to live with the fact I would never get over her, what we went through together, like when someone close to you dies suddenly and you just can't bring them back, I would never stop loving her.
But I understood her reasons for leaving, at first, I couldn't understand. I after what we both went through, how could she just walk out on me? How could she not stay and talk to me like she promised? Why would she not let me explain? I realised, if she had let me talk to her, if she had stayed to listen she wouldn't have gone, she was miserable and it was unbearable for her, the last straw being everyone knew about our miscarriage. But it wasn't just that, it was everything, from the girls and fans hating her, to the jealousy I was showing through most of our relationship, to the day she got stabbed, and everything fell apart. I knew I had to let her go that day. I realised that's why I never really attempted to beg her to stay. I knew no amount of begging or crying would change anything.

So, I wrote this album, actually I wrote a lot, it spilled into two albums, but this was the one for her mostly. I put my pain into the music and the dances. I put all my focus into it and hopefully it was good. I've thought about asking her if she had listened to it, seen any of the videos the pictures. I thought about asking her if she knew it was all about her. There were clues, everything from the flowers, the lyrics, choice of language, the music the dances had something to do with her. She would have probably figured it out but she wouldn't tell me even if she had. The same way I wouldn't ask. The answers would be too painful to bare.

How I wished she was here now though. I had worked night and day for weeks working on this stage show. It had been exhausting and exhilarating. I also had the documentary crew around me now watching my every move. I was hoping by doing it I would be giving a little bit back to the fans, show them enough, and that I wasn't mad with them, and to be honest I was hoping she might see it. I wanted my fans to understand me more, how hard I worked for them, but in the understanding that maybe I just needed a tiny bit of privacy too.

I was beyond nervous. I was petrified, and yet I was excited. I had never done this on this scale before. Not alone at least, and I wished if just for tonight, she was with me. I wished to touch her face, I wished to hold her, look in to her eyes and feel like everything was going to be ok. I wanted to share this moment with her. I hoped she would be proud of me. I hoped she would be watching. It was too much to hope she would come. I knew even if I sent the tickets she wouldn't come, so I didn't try. But I still wished and right at this moment I was regretting not trying again.

We began rehearsing the day before. It took me a while to get used to the stage. Not only was I completely alone on stage without the guys around me, but it was a 360-degree stage that I just was not used to. We rehearsed all day and I did start to get the hang of it, but I was emotional at the songs that had deeper a meaning to me. The one that was most personal for her was just on a piano. It was my voice and the piano and that was it. And I couldn't control my hands to get the keys right. I couldn't control my breathing but somehow, I was still singing all right. During the dress rehearsal, it was even worse. The song just shook me every time I sang it. It was far from an easy rehearsal.