Taemin in real life.

Part 63

It was the longest flight. I just wanted to get out and race home, but I didn't I decided to go to the dorms first. Jonghyun and Minho were going there, so I went with them, and I thought, it's ok, she said she would be there. I raced to Jongin and banged as hard as I could on his door until he answered.

'Hey what's the rush?' he said.

'I NEED THE RING NOW' I practically screamed at him.

'Ok calm down.' He went to get it as I stood in the door way anxiously.

He came back with the small box in his hand, I ripped it from him and shouted thanks as I ran out the building, not wanting, or thinking about getting in a car to make the journey quicker, but running as it felt like I was moving quicker. I didn't even notice the rain soaking me as I ran.

The house was dark and quiet when I walked inside, shaking the rain out of my hair and shivering. I was soaked through from running all the way here. The house gave me an eerie feeling. Goosebumps prickled my neck and my ears got hot. I knew something was wrong instantly and I didn't like it at all.

I swallowed hard walking through the hall way, I checked in the kitchen, everything was dark, no sign of life. I began to panic.

'JEN!' I shrieked 'BABY, WHERE ARE YOU?' the panic in my voice was conspicuous now, she hadn't just gone? Please god tell me she hadn't just gone. Not yet. Not like this. I had to see her once more. I could fix this. If I found her I could fix this.

I began running, opening every door, and banging my way through the house, the urgency with which I needed to find her causing me to freak out.

'Don't be gone, don't be gone, don't be gone, don't be gone' I repeated over and over, becoming my mantra, as I crashed up the stairs and walked into the main bedroom, our bedroom.

She was there. Her back to me kneeling on the floor. She was sat in front of her bag zipping it up as I walked in.

'My love' I sighed, she turned around taking me in, stood there out of breath, soaking wet filled with terror. I didn't move. My eyes travelled to the bag she had just picked up. I swallowed hard feeling a lump rising in the back of my throat.

'Please . . .' I whispered a lone tear escaping my eyes, my voice catching in my throat. I knew then it was useless. It wouldn't work. She wouldn't stay no matter what I said right now. I knew in the back of my mind, this was it, she was going and she wasn't coming back. I had known it all along.

I knew this was the end, but I couldn't accept it. I didn't want to believe it.

'I'm sorry' she whispered moving towards me slowly. Her voice was low and rough, she had been crying for some time, her exquisite face was swollen with tears, as it had been so often lately. I was frozen, afraid to look away from her.

She touched my arm as she made her way past me, I let out the breath I didn't realise I was holding in.

I turned around watching her disappear down the stairs behind me.

My legs moved before my brain could think, I followed her down. She was stood in the hall putting on a coat. I arrived at the bottom of the stairs and watched her horror struck. My heart had stopped beating.

'Why?' I asked, quietly, stupidly, knowing full well what the answer was.

She turned around sighing, her tears were freely falling down her sweet face, her deep brown eyes were crinkled as she attempted to smile at me.

I moved to stand in front of her within two strides. My brain couldn't process what was happening. Not now. Not yet. She couldn't leave me like this. Not after everything we had been through.

She fixed her eyes up at me, into my own eyes full of hurt, full of remorse, full of pain. I did this. This was my fault.

She smiled sadly as she lightly touched my face with her fingers. I shivered at her delicate touch, faintly registering the smell of her skin.

'You know why Tae, I just can't anymore. I'm sorry.' Her voice was so soft, so full of her own sadness. Her hand traced down my arm and she squeezed my hand lightly.

I held on tightly not wanting to let go, she turned away but I pulled her back.

'No' I whispered, begging uselessly, our faces were so close, I could feel the sweetness of her breath on me. We stood close together for what seemed like an age, my eyes took in everything about her face, the curves, the shadows, the highlights, the beauty spots under her eye and above her lip. It was as if my eyes knew they would never see it again and they needed to memorise it all. The rain began getting harder as it pounded against the windows.

'You have to let me go now Taemin' she told me softly and calmly. My hand dropped hers automatically at her request, why did I let go?

She kissed my lips lightly once, closed her eyes and murmured 'Itsumademo', then she turned around, picked up the bag and opened the door. I remained motionless with my eyes wide, my mouth sagging open slightly unable to move or say anything else, terror flooding me. She looked back at me for the briefest of moments before she stepped outside.

I stood there in the hall, watching, as the door closed behind her. My breath hitched, stuck in my throat, as if time stood so still, it took hours for that door to close.

I heard a car door open and close and the sound of it speeding away on the slippery road. Taking my heart with it. I couldn't breathe. My body was failing me. I was drowning, suffocating, surely this is what dying felt like?

The rain was still pouring down outside and that was all I could hear, the rain beating down and the sound of silence ringing around me as my tears finally found their escape.

I dropped to my knees and screamed. I screamed and sobbed on the floor for hours. I beat my fists down, wanting to feel physical pain rather than what I was feeling inside and screamed into the dark silence sobbing myself raw. The sky outside and the house around me drew pitch black, it was only as a ray of sunlight beamed through the glass and hit the floor, before I realised how long I had been curled up on the dark grey tiled floor, howling into the emptiness going over and over every good and bad memory we had shared together.

She was really gone. And I couldn't stop her. I didn't even try and stop her, not really. It felt worse than death. It felt like the most painful form of torture. Your love was gone forever, but they were alive, breathing and living without you. How was I supposed to breathe anymore? How was I supposed to go on living? In that moment, I found myself thinking death was preferable to this agony.

My heart was broken into thousands upon thousands of tiny pieces. I pulled myself up onto my knees and carefully drew the delicate diamond ring out from its dainty box in my pocket and gazed at it as my tears came back in waves, my screams of pain finding their way out ringing through the silence as the night drew in on me for the second time.

now?' sh'p