poetry Of Healing

a father that wasn't one

You manipulated me called it Love
I saw through your lies every time you'd fake cry you would say you wanted to die to see me show you empathy

seeing you everyday was walking on
egg shells they would crack when you came through the door with a angry face

Full of rage and a bottle in your hand I begged you to stop making me bleed with your words you never cared

no emotions no soul just a lifelesss being never respected me never cared used me and abused me made me feel worthless and scared

You saw me as prey I was your child your daughter the one you made you looked at me full of disappointment

you would get me to keep secrets for you so you would stay out of trouble played the good guy in day and the bad guy at night

you acted like everything was my fault you said I was the mistake disnowed me in a blink of a eye
you never looked back no regrets

I cried everytime you tried to leave I was screaming at you stay dad please you just liked the satisfaction of seeing me beg you didn't want to stay

You could walk away any day the times you broke my trust those arms I couldn't go in you was so cold to hold couldn't feel your beating heart it was like you didn't exist

im trying to heal the trauma you put me through everytime I do I feel hopeless trying to set the Boundaries you never let me have trying to trust again that you took away from me

it feels pointless you broke me you ruined my perspective on everything I've ever known the one man who was meant to love me fooled me with his cruel words you was not a father

you were a toxic narcissist one I hated with my whole heart one that showed me not everyone is nice one that took my life away all the things I wanted to do I couldn't because you controlled me all red flags mum didn't see

you blinded her with the image of you brought her flowers when you cheated you covered it up by saying you wanted to make her happy so many things you did so many bad things I refuse to remember they make me shed tears

Always arguing with your wife playing the victim to hide your mistakes covering my ears as you two would fight every night punching the fridge with rage saying thats her face a horrible husband to a loving wife

My flesh and blood turned against me I did no wrong did everything right you still couldn't accept you were the problem making excuses for your actions gaslighting us

when we figured you out to change our ways of thinking making us feel crazy and like we were the issue making us feel guilty for the things we never said nor did you wanted us to feel weak feel stupid

I never saw you be romantic to mum I grew up not knowing what love was I saw it on tv and in books and movies too I never saw it last in real life you faked yours I never saw love last thats why I don't believe in true love

I get scared when a guy tries to be with me because you showed me that all men must be bad I put my guard up never let them in I was too scared because of what you did you showed me with your actions and with your feelings I should walk away never try

unless I want to be killed by one or hurt by one thats the scar you left on me im slowly learning not every guy is you and thats took me time to retrain my brain and unlearn the patterns you drilled Into my brain