Wrapped up in a blanket shivering like a small naked dog. Soft music playing in your earphones. Not just any music. The most depressing music ever.
The lights are off and you're home alone. You're just sitting there. Reflecting. Everything gone wrong in your life surfaces. Every bad name comes to your head. You wish yourself dead. You hate it. You tell yourself you can easily do it. The blade is in the bathroom and no ones home. It seems like the perfect chance. You begin to get up but then you remember.... The promise you made. You promised a special person you wouldn't cut or hurt yourself. A part of yourself is telling you to leave it and just do it. But then a voice is stopping you. Telling you that you can't. A promise is a promise so you can't break it. So what do you do? You just sit back down. The blanket slides off your back and a wave of cold that the blanket prevented floods onto you. You hug your knees and you can feel your bottled up emotions surface. You want to stop them like you do in school but all you do it just open the door and the emotions surface. They flood to you. The slap you in the face. They hit so hard you break down and cry. You desperately clutch your knees harder and the tears just keep falling. They fall more and more.
You want to get up and text someone or call them. Get help. You know you have to but you refuse. "They can't know what's in my mind" you tell yourself. You refuse to accept the fact that you need help. You tell yourself that you can help yourself. That you don't need anyone. Yet that small girl in you knows that you do need help. That small girl in you knows you can't keep going on the way you are. You know you can't keep covering it. How long are you gonna cover it for? A month... Two.... More? It's all bullshit.
Now, that small innocent girl. The one you locked away deep inside you years ago. The one you push back every time she hits the door. You bully her. Tell her she's weak. You push her down, you tell her she's worthless. She keeps trying. You know she's stronger. You know you're losing but that doesn't let you stop. She's getting stronger while you're getting weaker. Why is this happening. Why is she trying to break free. You know you can't go back to being who you were before. To much has changed. You lost parents trust, people around you know you for the fun you, they know you for the one that's weird. But some think you're annoying, loud, obnoxious, some just insult you because they have nothing better to do and some just don't like you as a person. Does it bring you down? Yes. It does. It hurts. It goes right ahead and scratches you hard in the hearts the words stick with you and they stay there. Right next to your heart, where you'll feel them forever. You'll feel them when you're happy, hyper, sad, depressed, annoyed... Basically any time. That small innocent girl wants to surface and you want her to surface. But too much will change, you'll be different, you won't be the one people are used to but you tell yourself it's fine, they'll adapt, they'll get used to it. You want the love but not the love they give you. You want the time but not the time they give you. It's greedy and selfish but you know more than anyone that it can't be changed. That small innocent girl wants a childhood. She wants to play and have fun. Yet you trap her in a small dark room and tell her to shut up and lock her in the room. You lock the door and place it right next to your heart. The only one that can access that key is someone you chose to let it. Through the walls you have built up. They can get the key and unlock the door, they can set that girl free but clearly she hasn't been let free yet. How much longer?
Who's gonna help you? Who's going to set her free? Will she ever be set free to carry out her life? .... Guess not.
