Have you ever felt so at peace that you are just relieved? Like a long period of your life that you struggled with is now just a memory you look back and smile at or cry. Lucky for me I smile and brush it away and focus on whatever I'm doing. Now I shouldn't be so relaxed since I have mocks hanging over me just waiting to hit me with a ball in the face but this time I'm telling the exams to come. They don't mean anything as far as I'm concerned. Yes I'd like to get good grades and I'm trying but when I just take a few deep breaths it just becomes clear. Coming exams don't mean anything and will not mean anything. I'm studying and doing everything I can but I will not let that get in the way in my relationships and me being emotional and depressed all the time because of them. I also owe a whole big thank you to my best friend...Werswis. She is an angel on earth, sent by god to make sure she whoops me whenever I get into one of my states and become depressed for a period of time. She's always at the bottom waiting to whoop my ass and a little further away from the end every time. Slowly but gradually she's helping me get better and if it wasn't for her I really don't know what I'd do. She's a really big part of life and just amazing.
Werswis, when you read this...I want you to know something. I love you. You're always there for me and I really appreciate it. You have the patience of a god (throwback to the time we spent over an hour picking out my jeans) You taught me so many things and if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be where I am now. You show me the right way to go and I really love you. L shall be ours and HOPEFULLY E but we'll see. I don't know how you deal with my bullshit and still manage to love me the same and even more. It feels so nice to know you're not going to leave me like other people. I can always tell you the smallest things and you're interested. Anyway this isn't a chapter about you but don't worry I'll make one soon.
I can say for sure now and 100% honesty, that after a period of my life full of sadness that I'm happy now. Completely happy. Memories from my beloved and amazing granddad come to me often and surprisingly I don't get upset or cry, I smile and say a quick prayer for him. He's always with me and is always by my side. I love you granddad, thank you for showing me a different way of life, you mean the world to me and still do. Thank you so so much and it always makes me feel better knowing you're beside me on a daily basis and I do miss you all the time but we'll meet up one day and spend eternity together.
To anyone struggling at the moment with anything please believe me when I say it get better. This is coming from someone who refuses help from anyone even when she knows she needs it the most, I also never believed it would get better. Surround yourself with people who love you and you love them. It makes a difference. Just know it's OK to cry at night. It's OK to scream and snap. It's OK to be worried and it's OK to not be OK. Ignore what society thinks and if you want someone to talk to about ANYTHING at all just know that I'm here, I always have my phone so it's certain I'll reply really soon (unless I'm sleeping or with my cat because nothing disturbs mother daughter time) It gets better I promise and even I have days when I cry and break down but I pick myself straight back up because no matter how many times I was broken I bring myself together and restore hope, I have hope that tomorrow will be better and it will be. You choose your own path, not someone else.
