I'm in a familiar place yet it looks different. I've seen these trees a million times yet they somehow look different.
I'm taking baby steps while the song "so cold" plays into my ears. I can hear people talk behind me. I walk slower so that they will pass me and they did. A dad and a son. They look peaceful. The dad is talking to him son and they're laughing. I can feel the love between them. I envy it, I really do.
They skys full of clouds and wind is pushing me back. A large group of people are coming towards me and I start shaking. Why am I shaking. My hands tremble and my whole body shivers.
A large car park with around 10 cars are there. A man smoking a cigarette and a woman standing near her car talking on the phone. They look stress free. A plane soars and birds sing... Yet all I can see is darkness. I can feel my legs getting heavier and my shoulders seem to be weighing me down.
I'm trying to decode my own emotions. I found something out earlier and it's been bugging me. It feels like there's so way to escape it yet it can't be avoided either. The world looks still. Not a single person in sight. Is this my chance? Should I take it? Should I just grasp it? The birds seemed to stop singing and another song played on my playlist.
My safe tree is in sight. No ones around.
Climbing the tree hurt. A few scrates here and there but I climbed higher than I usually do. I'm around 10 feet away from the ground. It feels different this time. Like everything's not going to be ok. Maybe because the other times, I had someone to hug me and tell me everything will be ok, that I'm ok, that they'll be there. Don't get me wrong, there's people I can turn to. There's people I can trust. There's people that will help but I don't want them to. It feels like I take up too much space, that I'm just a pathetic loser. That I shouldn't be here, that I take up too much time and effort that could be spent on other people. Don't think this is sudden, it's not. Under layers of me there's a little kid begging me to stop everything and just let her take over. Will that solve things? Tears start falling and I don't want them to. I alwad seem to cry when I can't handle things.
I'm down from the tree now and then walking again. My legs feel heavy. A person is in my head. They're just there. Hmmm should I stop?
I've changed I'll admit that. I don't even know who I am. I don't know if I want to be here. I don't know how I feel. I don't know how others feel. I don't know what I'll do now. I change my route and go somewhere I never went. It's a dark ally. I turn up my music higher. People would have told me to get out, that it's not safe here but I... I don't care this time. There's rubbish everywhere. There's a crack in the path. Something snapped behind me yet I'm not even bothered to look back. There's a bench and I sit down. It's dark. It feels like I'm dragging my legs. It's weird but the lights seem fuzzy. I don't know where I am. The safe thing to do is turn back right? No I'm going to keep going. It doesn't matter, whatever happens, happens. My music is on max. The road finally ended. I'm feeling something I never felt before. It's weird.
I'm heading back now. Every second, it seems to get darker. I like it. No one can see the pain in my eyes now.
All I need at this point is someone to sit with me and hug me while I cry and let it all out. That's the onky medication I need at this point.
This can't be it. Most don't know this me. They know my cheerful self. That's who I need to be. Now all I do is pick myself up keep going with a smile plastered on my face....
