Hello, My Name is Crazy.

I'm Home but I'm not.

Dallas puts the pyjamas on and he sits on the bed beside me. A wave of anxiety comes over me and my eyes start to bubble over.

"Fuck."

"What...?"

"I said fuck."

"Fuck what?"

"Life. Fuck life. Fuck everything. What the hell is the point?"

He looks at me sadly and puts a hand on my shoulder. Slowly he bites his lip and moves a little closer to me. His arms wrap around me and my face is in his chest. I fall. I fall straight into it and I cry. First it's quiet, and then it's loud sobbing, and then it's a soft ache. I cry on his chest while he holds me and he rocks us a little. Back and forth and back and forth and back and forth, until he pulls me down and we're laying on our sides.

"Ponyboy I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"I'm sorry."

"God dammit Dallas it wasn't your fault! You didn't do anything! You didn't rape me!"

I scream at him and he purses his lips together looking hurt. He stares at me and still has an arm over my side. He rubs my hip and looks into my eyes while I cry and look back into his. My breathing is laboured and shaking and all messed up and before I know it I've cried myself to sleep.

"He's still asleep... You should probably leave him for a while... He needs to rest.."

I hear Dallas voice and it's soft and sincere and he's tired and quiet and I don't understand what he's talking about. Then I hear someone else in the room sit down on the bed.

"I'm worried he won't be okay... After our parents died..he started cutting himself and starving himself and..it really scared me. He finally was starting to come to terms with it...he was getting better...and now..."

It's Soda. Soda's soft voice is whispering with Dallas. Hes scared for me again. He has a right to be. I'm scared for me. He sounds frail and I think he's crying.

"..I don't know him that well... But I think he's a strong kid...he'll get through it.."

"And what about you?"

"What about me?"

"What will you do?"

"It's happened to me before... I'll just keep living and pretend that it didn't."

"Is it that easy?"

"No. But I can pretend it is."

Soda sniffles and I hear him wipe his nose on his sleeve. Slowly I sit up and they both turn to look at me. Dallas bites his lip and Soda rushes to dry his face as quickly as possible.

"Morning baby boy!"

Soda beams and his eyes are a bright red. He was probably up all night crying. I feel awful. Right away the tears come pouring out and their jaws drop. Dallas starts petting my hair and Soda engulfs me in a huge hug. He squeezes me.

"Ponyboy...it's okay...calm down little guy... I've got you. I'm here. I love you Pony. I was really worried when you didn't come home.......I thought I'd never see you again..."

His voice starts to break and then he's crying on my shoulder while holding me close. Dallas is sitting right up beside me as well and rubs my back while he watches me looking exhausted.

"Soda...I never thought I'd get to see you again either...I never..."

My voice cracks and Dallas stands up. He whispers 'ill leave you guys alone for a bit' and walks out of the room. Soda cries a little harder and so do I. We squeeze eachother close and we pull at eachothers shirts and we lay on the bed balling our eyes out.

"Soda I never thought I'd get to tell you..I-I had my first kiss... The morning before it happened..after my sleep over he kissed me in the morning.. I wanted to tell you...I n-never thought..."

He hugs me closer and kisses my cheek and tears stream down my face like rain. Our faces land on a pillow and we stare red-eyed at one another without saying a word. Im hurting everything hurts.

"I'm so happy for you. Congratulations... I'm just so happy you're home.."

"But am I really home Soda...? I might be back here...but I never came home..."

"..It's gonna be okay...I'm gonna do everything I can to help make this better Pon. I promise-"

"Soda stop. This wasn't your fault and you don't have to feel bad for me-"

"I know! Fuck Ponyboy I know that! But I love you- I love you so much. I don't ever want to lose you. So I'm going to do my best as your brother to fix this... I have to."

"You can't fix it."

"I'm going to be there for you."

"You always are... That's why I love you so much."

He tears up again and hugs me. It's a tight hug filled with emotion again and he starts to sob on my shoulder. I hate when he's sad. I hate that I hurt him. I hate that I'm me and I cause so much pain to others. I hate it all. It hurts. I'm hurt. I'm broken. I'm shattered. How the hell will I ever recover from this? You can't. I can't. I'm going to be fucked up forever. I'm going to be lost for good. I'm a no good cause and it's not up for debate. I rub Soda's back until he becomes quiet again. We're lay in silence in eachothers arms. I love my brother so much. I love Darry too...even though he's hard on me. I don't want them to hurt. I don't want to see them in pain. I want things to be normal like when mom and dad were alive... Why can't we go back...

PS; check out my OC book if you're interested in reading my next upcoming story. I'm going to be using all of my own characters that I created sometime within the passed two years. Each of them will play a very important role in the story eventually and to better understand it when it comes out, you gotta understand the complexity of the characters first. 💚Love you guys always. Enjoy.