Hello, My Name is Crazy.

The Deepest Depths.

It all hurts and yet we still live. It all burns and yet we still breath. It consumes and somehow we don't fucking die.

"Ponyboy."

"Yeah?"

"You're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Spacing out."

"Sorry... I think someones at your house. There's a girl on the porch."

I stare out across the street from my bedroom window and I watch as a girl stands on his porch. She's short and dirty and her hair is in a mess. Dallas follows my gaze and he looks out at her. I wonder what she's doing down there. I wonder why she's even over there. Dallas doesn't have many friends. And certainly not a girl. I know that for sure. Dallas doesn't like women. Even as friends.

"Do you know her?"

"Sort of. I wish I didn't."

"Who is she?"

He stares out at the girl and I stare out with him. We're both quiet and I can't understand why he hasn't answered me yet. I don't get what the big deal is. I lean on his shoulder. Darry walks outside downstairs and I can see him get into his car and pull out of the driveway. Hes probably going to pick up something for dinner. The silence starts to bother me and I make a point of turning and looking at Dallas to get his attention. I poke him.

"I knew her when I was about 15... She's trouble."

"What kind of trouble...?"

"She's a hooker. A liar. A thief. A cheater. And a horrible person... I don't know why she still lingers around... All she does is mess peoples lives up..."

"Oh... How'd you meet her?"

"We stayed at the same youth home for a bit...She told me she was in love with me. A few days later I walked in on her sucking her exs dick. I didn't know her too well..."

I listen and although it's sad I want to laugh. He smiles softly and throws an arm around me. It almost makes me forget my own shitty problems. I wonder where Soda is? He pushes the window open and we peer out it. She's banging on his door hard and loud. I'd be scared if I were down near her. She looks scary and mean.

"Hailey, what the hell do you want?"

Dallas yells out. I lean my head on his shoulder and he's hugging me gently. This girl looks up, she looks mad. She stomps across the street and towards the bedroom window we're looking down from. She stands in my yard and we hang from the window watching carelessly. She has purple streaks in her hair, messy and unprofessionally done. Her skin is blotchy and her eyes are empty.

"I need a place to stay."

"Go somewhere else."

"Dallas, you know I love you. I'm just...hiding my feelings. I'll change, I promise!"

"No you won't. You will never change. Shitty people don't change."

"I can change... I can. I just need time. My feelings are hidden. I'll start showing them.. I'll fix everything.."

"It's been years. Just go fuck someone else up. Besides- IM GAY."

The window is slammed shut and she pulls a fit on the front lawn while I close the curtains. I pull Dallas towards the bed and shove him down. I crawl onto the bed, lay down, and put a hand on his arm. My chest aches. My head throbs. I can still hear the yelling outside but I'm ignoring it as best as I can. My life feels like it's spinning and yet I'm not moving. I'm not even flinching. I'm just laying quietly beside someone who I may or may not be starting to really like. I stare at the ceiling and he stares at me and we don't move. My head feels like it's throbbing and I can't tell if it's from my heart or my headache. The noise dies down outside and I think the hooker, Hailey, left. I think she's gone. Lost and forgotten. Thank god. No one needs a person like that around.

"How do you feel Ponyboy?"

"How do I feel? How can you ask me that? How do you feel?!"

How do I feel. I feel horrible. I feel useless. I feel lost. I feel hated. I feel pain. I feel tormented. I feel tortured. I feel like shit. I feel like my life was fucking destroyed. I feel like I was destroyed. I feel like I'm already dead.

"I feel awful...it's my fault you're hurt. It's my fault you were included in my fucked up life. I feel gross... I feel dirty. I feel stupid and fucked up and mad. I don't know how the hell to explain how I feel Ponyboy but I just wanted to know- I wanted to see..or hear you say...do you think you'll be okay? Whether you are or not isn't the question.. I just want to know if you think you will be... I'm just trying to talk to you...I'm sorry..."

"Dallas I feel like the air in my lungs was sucked out of me. I feel like my soul was stolen. I feel like my body was ripped in half. I feel like I'm not even here...I can't explain it..but I feel like I don't even exist anymore.. I just..fuck.."

He looks over at me and puts a hand on my shoulder. We hug eachother slowly and deliberately. He gives my body a small squeeze into his chest and I close my eyes. I don't know what I'm going to do.

"I'll never be okay. I don't know how I could ever be okay. But it sure as hell wasn't your fault...and it never will be."

In times like this when life's seems tough, who really believes that they'll be okay? Who thinks that their life will fall together again? Who has that much hope? For now I'm gonna have to take it day by day. Hour by hour. Minute by minute. Dying is not an option. Soda couldn't take it. Darry couldn't take it. Dallas...I have too many questions of what could be. What will be.

"Dallas.."

He looks at me and a moment flashes. I open my mouth to speak and his lips come first. What was I saying about hope again?