Hello, My Name is Crazy.

Breaking Broken.

I'm crying and sobbing and aching all over. I don't know where I am. I don't know who I am. I don't know what is happening to me. All I know is that I'm alone and I'm lost and it all hurts. It hurts so bad.

"Ponyboy..? Are you awake?"

I open my eyes and I'm still in my bedroom. Dallas is over top of me, towering the bed and looking concerned as ever. The bags under his eyes are heavier than before.

"Hey... You fainted. Really had us scared... Take some deep breaths and drink this."

He holds out a glass of water and a pill. I can barely move to sit up. It feels like my body weighs a million pounds and no matter how hard I try it just kills. It kills to be alive. How ironic is that? I take the pill and I look at it. He points to my hand, gesturing at the pill.

"It's just aspirin..."

His voice is soft. I look at the clock and it's 4 in the afternoon. I've been out for almost 5 hours now. I passed out for that long? I must really have the life drained out of me. If only it drained just a little more. If only it left me all together and then I could sleep forever. I could be happy. I could be free. I take the aspirin and I down it with the glass of water he gave me. The water feels nice on my dry throat and in my mouth. My tongue thanks me generously. For a minute I can ignore my own existence.

"Pony?"

And now I'm back again. Darry is in my doorway staring at me tiredly. He walks in and comes to sit on the edge of the bed. He has a bowl of cereal in his hands and he holds it out to me. I take it, even though my wrists have trouble holding its weight. They're weak and flimsy. I put my head down. I let my hair fall fall fall. I let it shelter my eyes. And I eat, hidden by my bangs, hoping and pretending that no one can see me. But I know they're there. I know that they're watching me. I know they're worrying. Darry shuffles awkwardly. I know he doesn't like dealing with sad people. Emotions are his kryptonite.

"I'm gonna go get started on dinner... Just holler if you two need anything. Okay Pon?"

"Sure...whatever you say Dar. Thanks."

He nods and walks out of the door. I listen to his footsteps down the hall and out into the stairwell. He goes down down down. Step by step I hear him decend lower and lower, much like my self esteem. I hear him and then I don't. He must have went into the kitchen where my ears can't hear his muffled voice anymore.

"How's the cereal?"

"Did you tell Soda that you've been raped before... Or did I imagine that?"

"I said..something like that. Why?"

"How did you move on..."

"I didn't..."

"But you're alive. How did you not kill yourself?"

"Because some things in life are worth living for..."

"I don't understand."

"I met you."

"I still don't understand, Dallas."

"I didn't want to miss out on something good happening to me one day. So I toughed it out and I waited. It's not easy. But I met you. And I'm glad I didn't kill myself. Even if I really wanted to at the time... Even if I really want to right now... I won't.. There's too much I haven't done.. I'm too young to throw in the towel.. You are too Pony."

I listen to him as tears brim the edges of my stinging eyes and I choke on a small cry that I didn't expect to come out. He takes the bowl of cereal, sets it aside on the end table, and then comes back to me with his arms wide and open. He holds me. He holds all the broken parts of me and he squeezes them. I almost feel like I'm partially alive like this. I can feel his heart beat and it reminds me of the life I haven't lived yet. I can't get passed this pain. My mind tells me lies and I don't know what to believe. One minute I'm a lost cause with no hope and the next I'm wishing for love to save me. But I know it won't. What part of me is true? What side of me is being honest right now? How will I know? Do I even care? I don't. I have no cares left. I have no hopes. My dreams have died. My soul is burnt. My heart is up in flames. And my last breath has been stolen.

"It's gonna be okay. Maybe not now. But someday. Someday it'll be okay. I want you to remember that. Repeat it to yourself. Don't forget about it. Someday."

He speaks in a voice I don't know if I've ever heard before. It's soft but firm and yet empty all at once. It's almost as though he's as lost as I am. But he's here for me. That's what matters, he's here.

"You'll be okay too you know... Someday.." 

I can barely speak but I try for the sake of returning a favour. The favour of hope and wishful thinking. I don't know if I'm being too lenient on my mind or if I've just become too emotionally exhausted to fight it anymore, but a part of me really hopes it's true. A part of me hopes that lights will shine. Part of me believes it's possible.

Someday.