Sincerely Me

My First Love

You were my first love
The one who held my hand when I fell down
The one who wiped away my tears when I was hurt
The one who made me smile the most

But you weren't there
That wasn't you
I would wait endless hours for your arrival at home
To be frightened of the screams I could hear
I waited to see you show up to all of my games
Hardly ever appeared unless the bottle had touched your lips

Now as I've matured and created a life
I hardly see you or talk to you and that is normal
Always has been
I've tried countless times to make an effort
Having you in my life is important
You were my first love

Today, I got a call
A heart attack had got you
Now you lay in a hospital bed
Pricking and prodding your body with tests
I dropped everything and came to you

I came in the room to see you at your worst
You were surprised to see me most
I smiled and sat down and we did not talk until another person arrived
But I was there for you because I love you

Losing you would have been torture
Losing someone close to you is rough
Losing someone you tried to be close to that gave you life,
Brutal as hell

I left the room because I didn't want you to see me cry
To question my entire life
What I could have done different to have been closer
I blamed myself for it all
If you were to die tonight I would have regretted a lot
Saying goodbye so many times to stop my heart ache
Holding so much hate against you like I have

What makes me the most sad
The thought that haunts me
Would you regret anything?
Would you have lived differently?

Tonight I lay in my bathtub
Filling it with the tears that stream my face
All I can say is,
I love you dad
I always have and I always will