✎ USUK One-Shots

pain.

co-written by shoot_the_musician
T/W: suicide, blood, self-harm

'I'm so sorry Arthur. I love you so much. Please move on after I'm gone. I love you.

-Alfred'

He hesitated clicking the 'send' button. But he already got this far. Alfred was sitting on the cold bathroom floor and in a few minutes, wasn't going to be breathing. He was done. The pain in his heart and in his head was too much.

He wasn't perfect.

He wasn't perfect.

He will never be perfect.

Blinking away the tears in his eyes he wiped his face with his jacket sleeve and looked down at the cutter. He hasn't touched that thing for years. The first time he did it was a hard day at school and work and nothing was on his side. He was almost fired for something he didn't do and was constantly mocked and made fun of by his teachers and peers. He remembered coming home a mess and just wanted everything to be over so he took out the blade and angrily slashed it against his wrist.

It took a couple seconds until he dropped it and cried out in pain.

It was too much.

The pain was too much.

It hurt more than the kicks and bruises, the smashing plates and angry yelling. It hurt more than anything he could've imagined.

Ever since then he's vowed to never hurt himself like that again.

So instead he took to writing. Writing down every single thing anyone has ever said to him in a journal he kept hidden from everyone. Soon the journal turned into his stomach and his thighs and his arms.

Eventually he stopped doing that once Arthur found them and begged him to stop.

And for a while, he did.

Until he started scratching himself. Not until he would bleed but until his skin would turn red and he'd stare at the white marks from his fingernails. The scratching was accompanied by slapping his face and body until he would wound up crying from how much it stung.

Arthur would never catch him doing it.

So here he was now, holding the blade up to his wrist, unaware of anything happening around him. Not to the banging on the doors or to the birds outside. Not even to the water that's flowing in the bathtub.

'Soon it will be quiet'

He closed his eyes and placed it on his skin. The cold metal hit him and he immediately pulled it back and his eyes were wide open as he stared at his hands in horror. He didn't want that pain. He didn't want a painful death. He already had a painful life.

This was when the door flew open and in a second the blade was (literally) kicked out of his hands and he felt himself cry out as it accidentally cut him and flew across the room. He was then held back and was kicking and screaming only to be pulled into a tight hug. Alfred was still struggling but started to calm down when he was being rocked and pet. He felt like a child who did something bad.

Because he always did something bad.

Him living was bad.

"Shh, calm down Alfred," he recognized Arthur's voice.

"Don't do this to me, Arthur," he sobbed. Weakly reaching for the blade on the other side of the bathroom.

Arthur held his outstretched hand and cried into his his hair. He thought it was too late and was terrified. If he didn't make it in time...

"Don't do what, Alfred?" Arthur whispered, still holding on tightly in case Alfred was going to do something else.

"Let me go, please let me go. I don't wanna live," the tears ran down his face as he trembled in Arthur's grasp. Forget what he said before, this was the most painful thing he'd ever had to endure.

Arthur could only listen helplessly. It broke his heart knowing that such a perfect being wanted to end their life when so many people loved them. He didn't know what he would do without Alfred. They've sacrificed so much for each other he wouldn't be able to bear not having him by his side. Or even live knowing that he couldn't save him.

"Don't make me live, Arthur. Don't force me to live- I wanna die and be happy! Be at peace! Let me be at peace!" Alfred clawed at his own face and brought his knees up to his chest and tried to become small and just disappear.

"Death isn't the answer, Alfred," Arthur tried to comfort him.

"You don't know that."

"Alfred... you're the best person that I've ever known. You're smart, you're gorgeous and those deep, curious blue eyes of yours are the most enchanting thing that my own eyes have ever made contact with... Please, please don't make them close. Don't let the fire inside them burn out. You're worth more than this, please..." by now, the Englishman was silently crying as well. Excruciating cold tears making their way down his pale cheeks as he gazed at the broken boy in front of him who was lost in the haze.

However that was when he noticed the blood on the floor.

Arthur gasped and quickly looked for the source of the blood and he saw the wound on Alfred's arm. It was bad and deeply cut open. Ran from his wrist to his elbow. Green eyes widened and he frantically looked around for any way to stop the bleeding but it was too late now. Alfred looked at the scar and back up at him and smiled softly.

"I love you so much Arthur-"

"Don't say that! No, Alfred you're going to live- I-I'll get something to fix that just wait!" Arthur stood up and tried to look for something to stop the bleeding.

But Alfred only looked at the cut and winced as it stung a little. "It hurts."

"Alfred please hold on I'm trying to find a bandage or anything-" he removed his scarf and placed it on Alfred's gash trying to stop the blood but he could see Alfred physically weaken.

"Arthur in case I don't make it, I'm so sorry. It's not your fault. It really isn't. I love you, I love you so much," he kept on repeating his words and in a matter of minutes he closed his eyes and didn't wake up.

Arthur couldn't believe this. A tingle shot up his spine and for the next few minutes, he couldn't even move his body. His eyes were pierced onto a blank spot in the distance and he couldn't even shed a tear anymore.

Alfred was gone.

Everything he had ever loved, everyone he had ever needed... he was gone.

But his mind wouldn't let him accept that. At first, he blinked and hoped he would wake up from this horrific, neverending nightmare of blood, sweat and tears.... Yet he was still in the same place.

This was reality,

The dark abyss engulfed his entire body. The terrifying truth filling his mind.

"A-Alfred... Alfred Jones... wake up!" He suddenly released himself from the invisible chains holding him down; screaming at the pale, dead face of the boy he loved. "Don't do this! Don't trick me, don't fool me again... ALFRED!"

He never woke up.

And Arthur could hear his heart shatter into a billion pieces.

-
Word Count: 1225

{i killed my child... i feel bad... blame shoot_the_musician who also helped me write arthur's part and figure out what happens to alfred and basically how he dies so... yeah}

-b