Love Me So I Don't Have To - COMPLETED

2.6

I never lied to you. I never lied to you about who I am as a person. I didn't cry because I lied to you. The only reason I cried is that I'm so used to not being called a good person.

That sounds fucking cringy.

Even if it sounds cringy, it is pretty true. I'm so programmed to believe I'm not a good person. I mean, fuck. I know I'm not an "Outstanding Citizen" or anything. I'm no saint. I'm also no Satan reincarnate either.

I was on the playground in fifth grade with my three friends and the principal's daughter. Her name was Grace. She was an asshole to us. I hated so many of the kids in my grade. A lot of them had made fun of me at some point, and I kept grudges, even then.

"I bet you'd laugh at a baby crying and tell it to shut up." I wanted to fire back an insult saying she's the only baby I'd tell to shut up, but it's the fucking principal's daughter. So, I stood there with my mouth shut.

In middle school, a kid in my class said I'd be the one to laugh during a funeral. I never did anything to him.

It was either, "she's a bitch like her mom" or "don't eat my dog" kind of jokes. It was always fucking frustrating to have everyone you know believe you are just an asshole and that there's really nothing else left to you. The damned people I grew up with didn't want anything to do with me.

The mistakes I've made conditioned me to believe that I was what everyone else believed. I never thought I was a "good person". The best I saw myself was a "decent person". This is not a pity party. This is the actual truth. I'm explaining.

Wouldn't you believe what everyone else was saying if you realized you practically cheated on your girlfriend with some fuckboy whose finger you were wrapped around for years?

Wouldn't you believe you were an asshole if you still went back to him after the breakup?

Wouldn't you see yourself as a bitch if you said you didn't love your mom and someone would say "but you can't hate family"?

I've never even heard my own best friends tell me I'm a good person. I'm not shitting on them or our friendship. That's just the truth. I don't fucking want to wake up tomorrow for Ash to tell me I'm a good person in the morning because, honestly, that's going to just piss me off.

Or, piss me off even more. I don't know why exactly I'm pissed now. Maybe what I read pissed me off. It sounded sarcastic, insincere. Sounded like you're thinking twice about who I am or how I present myself. Logically, I know you aren't, though. .....right?

I've only been told by one person (The Second) that I'm a good person. And he only said that to try to get me to give him the treatment he didn't deserve. I was okay with being a bitch to him.

I still am.

On Monday of last week, this sophomore on my team said something to me. "Huh, a good leader and selfless? That's rare to find." A kid fell out during practice. The one I told you about. I really was terrified that he was severely hurt. He looked dead. The sophomore thought I was worried about how it would come back to me. I told him I was worried about the kid, and he said the aforementioned statement to me.

I've been called selfish, a bitch, an asshole, etc. I tried to be a really good person but within my own reason. Kind of an oxymoron. I'm not going to go around and be nice to the assholes who don't deserve it though. But I'm a better person though, right?

I cried because someone I care about and trust and love said that I'm a good person after a lifetime of believing I'm anything but.