Was it love?[ Connor x Evan ]

Chapter 6

Evan

I didn't get it. Why was I feeling like I wanted him for forever? Why did I like the way he kissed me so softly? I can't like a guy? Right? So many thoughts kept filling up my head. My hands were so sweaty and my heart felt like it was going to explode if I didn't let all my thoughts out.

I couldn't just tell him. It would be so awkward.  I knew Connor was in love with me. I don't know if I'm feeling the same thing he was. Maybe it's all a misunderstanding and I feel something different. I had pleasure when he held me in his chest. When he stroked my hair.

"Evan what do you feel?"

I didn't want to ever tell him. I needed time to think this through.

"I'm gonna go think about it. I'm gonna take a walk."

"Well then I'm gonna go back to bed. I'm kinda sleepy. If you make up your mind then wake me up."

I walked out and closed the door. I started sobbing right that second. All these feelings. My anxiety is worrying me too much about this. I wished Connor was embracing me at the moment so I could calm down. He made me feel better.

I went for a long walk. I thought about a lot of stuff. I thought about his question. "Was it love?" I kept thinking and thinking. He was the only person I knew. He's the only person I could fall in love with. I don't know anyone else. I gave up. I came to the conclusion that I did love him. I love him. I love him. I love him. It kept going over in my head.  It was the only thing that made sense. I liked him embracing me. I liked when he kissed me. My heart starts pounding when he does things to me. What was I going to do now? I cant just go tell him "I love you." It would be embarrassing. But I also felt like it was just a feeling of friends. Maybe I just felt like that because he was my first friend and I was getting too exited.

I ran back home to tell him my feelings.

How was I going to tell him? I guess I was going to have to! Even if it was embarrassing. I need to get over my fear of rejection. Why would he ever reject me? He kissed me. I was sure he loved me. Or is he just playing with me? He never told me he loved me. He just did things. I should stop overthinking this.

I stopped half way. I cant. My anxiety is killing me. I sat on a bench and on accident fell asleep there for some minutes. I got to overwhelmed.

I woke up and I didn't know what was happening anymore. I got back into my mindset. It was noon. I walked back home.

I opened the door. Connor wasn't on the couch.  He told me he was gonna be sleeping. I went to the bedroom. He was there. His mouth. His lips. Why everytime someones is in love you just think of kissing them? Why is that a thing?! It drove me crazy. I sat in the bed next to him. I got his hand. Put it on my face and closed my eyes. Like if he was embracing me. It calmed me down a bit. I still had that weird feeling to kiss him. He was asleep so he wouldn't know.

I got closer to him. I kissed him. I held it for some moments.

"Evan what are you doing?"

I got scared. I quickly got out of the bed.

"I i-im so sorry." I felt so stupid for doing that. Why did I think that was a great idea?