My Muse || Sope

-One-

"Yoongi, is that song ready?" It was 11:45 PM, the exact time when Bang PD had given me the deadline. He is in charge of all of the different sectors, so any employees go to him if they have trouble.

I shook my head, my lips pressed firmly together. "I-I am sorry, I am not quite done with it yet."

Bang PD nodded. "How much time do you need?"

I shrugged. "I could get it to you by 7 AM?"

Bang PD chuckled lightly before clapping me on the shoulder. "Since it's your first week, I'll go easy on you. I'll extend it until 8 AM, so that way you at least have time to eat."

"Thank you. I won't disappoint you, sir." I sighed, relieved, when Bang PD exited my studio. I took a sip from my cup of coffee, my third cup of the day, before turning back to face my workstation. I had finished the lyrics a few hours ago, so now I just had to focus on the beats. My eyes started to get heavy, but I shrugged it off. I couldn't let my exhaustion get in the way of the career I had worked so hard for.

•••••••
A knock on the door of the studio jolted me awake. My eyes immediately flicked to the clock on my computer: 6:23 AM. "Shit shit shit." A second knock woke me up completely as I walked to the door. My hair was probably disheveled and I most likely had red lines on my face from the keyboard, but I shrugged it off.

Namjoon stood behind the door with a small smile. "Dude, did you even go home last night? You look like shit."

I rolled my eyes before walking back to my desk. I rubbed my face in an attempt to wipe away the heavy feeling of sleep. "I needed to finish the song, but I guess I accidently fell asleep."

Namjoon released a loud laugh before shutting the door and taking a seat on the couch in the corner. "Can I hear what you have?"

"I guess. I still have a few finishing touches to make, though." I turned to the program and pressed play. I kept my eyes facing my lap, afraid of the faces Namjoon might make at the track I had poured so much of myself in. Afraid of the judgement he might lay upon me.

After it ended, Namjoon was quiet for a long while, and my nerves were slowly building up inside me, getting ready to burst.

"Is it that bad?" I frowned, my bottom lip jutting out slightly.

Namjoon scoffed. "You're fucking incredible, Yoongi."

My eyes went wide at his compliment. "What? Really? Does that mean that you liked it?"

Namjoon smiled before walking over to me. He put a hand on my shoulder and gave it a reassuring squeeze. "It is one of the best I've listened to in a while. Bang PD will love it." He headed towards the door without another word.

"You're just going to leave now?"

Namjoon chuckled. "Well, you have to finish the last-minute details, so I'm letting you finish it. I would love to listen to the final product. Maybe I could show you some of the stuff I've been working on?"

I smiled my iconic gummy smile for the first time since I arrived at this place. "I would love that."

Namjoon gave me a smile in return. "I will see you around, hyung."

••••••
I handed the CD to Bang PD, my hands shaking and slightly sweaty. I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans while I watched Bang PD put it in the disc slot, turning up the volume so he could listen to it well. The sounds of my heavy breathing poured out of the speakers, quickly followed by the soft sounds of percussion. Song included up top, with English lyrics, but the lyrics are also all included below. :)

"On the other side of the famous idol rapper
Stands my weak self, it's quite dangerous
Depression, OCD, they keep coming back again from time to time
Hell no perhaps that might be my true self
Damn huh feeling estranged in reality
The conflict with ideal, my head hurts
Around the age of 18, socio-phobia developed in me
Right, that was when my mind was gradually polluted

At times I'm scared of myself too,
Self hated and thanks to the depression that takes over me
Min Yoongi is dead already (I'm dead)
Comparing my dead passion with others, it's now a part of my daily life

On the first visit to psychiatric ward, my parents came up with me
We listened to the consultation together, my parents said they don't truly understand me
I don't understand myself well either, then who would understand?
Friend? Or you? Nobody knows me well

The doctor asks me
I answered without any hesitation that I have done

Habitual saying uh I don't give a shit I don't give a fuck
All those words uh those words are said to hide my weak self
Those days I wish I could erase
Right, that performance day which I don't remember very well
The day I confronted myself when I hid inside the toilet because I was scared of people

That time I, that time I
I thought success will make everything fine
But you see, but you see
As time goes by, I feel like I'm turning into a monster

I've exchanged my youth for success, and that monster demands for more wealth
At times it puts a collar on my neck to ruin and swallow me with greed
Some try to shut my mouth and say I should swallow both good and evil
I don't want it they want me to leave this hill

shit shit I got it so stop it
I'm the root of all this so I'll stop myself
If my misfortune is your happiness, I'll happily stay unfortunate
If I'm the figure of hate, I'll get on the guillotine

The things I've imaged about turns into reality
My childhood dreams are in front of my eyes
The night when I performed in front of 2 audience
Now Tokyo Dome is right in front my nose
My one and only life, I can easily live it passionately than any other
my fan my hommie my fam I hope you don't worry because I'm really okay now damn

I've denied my nature many times
My address is idol and I won't deny
The anguish that dug into my mind countless times
There's no answer at the end of wandering

My pride which I thought I had given away has turned into self-respect
My fans, keep your head high with pride because who can do it like me uh

Seiko, Rolex, AX (hall) and Gymnastic (stadium)
The heads of thousands nodding to my hand gesture
Show me the money, it's not that I couldn't but I didn't shit
Selling ourselves or not, you all say we couldn't do it but we didn't shit
The root of my creativity has tasted the sweet, bitter and shit of this world
Those days when I laid down to sleep on the toilet floor, it's all memories now uh they're now memories
My shoulder which shattered thanks to the accident I met during my part time job
The debut which I clung as if it was my life
Who do you think your fool by pretending you've gone through all the miseries

Seiko, Rolex, AX (hall) and Gymnastic (stadium)
The heads of thousands nodding to my hand gesture
Sorrow created me uh look at me closely uh
Selling ourselves or not you all say we couldn't do it but we didn't shit"

Just like Namjoon, Bang PD sat in silence with a hand rubbing his chin in thought. Before I could say anything, Bang PD stood up and extended a hand out to me. I shook it with a confused look on my face, earning a chuckle from Bang PD.

"Welcome to the team, Yoongi."

I couldn't contain the smile on my face as I exited the office after bowing many times in appreciation. I turned the corner to head back to my studio, not paying attention, and bumped into somebody. My eyes went big as I cursed at myself for being so awkward around people. "I'm sorry, I, uh, wasn't watching where I was going," I mumbled. That is when I raised my head and let out a barely audible gasp.