Always Doesn't Mean Forever: Book 2 (Severus Snape/student)

Chapter 11: Shattered

Alex's P.O.V.

     Just a little deeper. Not far enough to kill, but not far enough to completely stop the pain. The red stream flows down my arm and drips to the floor. Each crimson drop taking a little bit of the hurt with it. Just a little deeper won't hurt. Just a few more until I can forget for just a little while. Another and another and another until I can feel completely numb. But it won't stop. The numbness isn't coming like before. So I cut more. Up and down my arms, my legs, my stomach. It won't stop! Why won't it stop?! Nothing can make it stop! The blood is all around me. On the floor, on my body, on my clothes, but it still doesn't stop. My breaths are sort, my vision blurred, my body weak. I just want... I just want... Darkness. I drag the blade across my body again, and again, and again. Anywhere that hasn't already seen the cold metal. There it is. Falling back against the floor, I smile a little. The darkness has finally come. Take me away.

A Week Later

    "Alex... Let me in. Please. Open the wall. Alex... It's been three weeks since it happened.. You haven't spoken to anyone. You're skipping class. I know you aren't eating." Severus paused and took a breath. I sat on my couch with me knees pulled up to my chest, staring at the wall blankly. "I know you're awake." Glancing up at the clock I saw it was one in the morning. Funny, i could have sworn when I looked up there a few minutes ago it was dinner time. "Alex talk to me. At least let me know you're alive dammit!" I heard a thud to which I assumed he had either kicked or punched the wall. He does that occasionally. "Why won't you let me in?" I listened to what sounded like him sliding down the wall. I hated the way he sounded. Broken. Even more than usual. It would break me if there was anything left to break, but that part of me died with Marissa. Marissa.... "The last quidditch game was earlier. Everyone was disappointed when they didn't see you there. Slytherin team has really suffered without you. They lost to Hufflepuff. Everett never even laid eyes on the snitch. That's the third game you missed." I heard him sigh. I put my legs down and pain shot up them do to how long I've been sitting there. Slowly and gently I walked over to the wall and slid down it. I could hear him breathing on the other side. Leaning my head back against the wall, I closed my eyes.

  "I've spoken to you're grandfather countless times. He refuses to open the wall and I can't since you've changed the password. He says you need time. I understand that, but I'm worried. So is Lupin. He's been owling me. He's even come to the castle. He asks me how you're doing. I wish I knew. I really do. You're grandfather is worried as well. We all are. Alex, I know she was your best friend. I know what it's like to lose your best friend. Someone you love. I'm not going to say I know how you feel. Because I don't. We may have gone through similar circumstances, but we're two different people. I don't know how you feel or how you're dealing with it or if you even are. I want to though. I wish you would let me be there for you. That's all I want. What are you afraid of? Are you afraid to let me see you broken? I've been there too. I don't care how torn apart you are. You're still Alex. You're still the woman I fell in love with-" I felt I needed to say this so I cut him off.

     "No, no I'm not. You fell in love with someone who could still look at herself in the mirror. You fell in love with someone who still had a little hope in life. You didn't fall in love with me Severus. You fell in love with who I used to be." With that I stood up and started walking to my bedroom. He was quiet for a moment, listening, I heard him move quickly.

     "Alex wait! You're wrong!" He stopped when I shut my bedroom door. I guess he heard it. I leaned against my door and took a deep breath closing my eyes. After a few minutes I opened them again and looked around the room. My eyes landed on my guitar. She sat their propped against the wall with a thin layer of dust and neglect. Slowly I walked over and picked it up sliding the pick out from in between the strings. I looked at it for a moment longer thinking of what song I wanted to play. I wasn't in the mood to sing, just play. A soothing melody. That sounded nice. I turned the guitar in my hands thinking when I made a mistake by looking down when it was flipped over on its back. Tears formed in my eyes as I looked at the patterns and song lyrics Marissa and I had drawn on the back of it. Each one of them held a special meaning to us. My breaths became short as anger and pain pulsed through me. Tears streamed down my cheeks. I held the guitar by its neck and slammed it against the wall screaming. I watched as the wood shattered and the strings broke. I slammed it against the wall again and again until there was nothing left.

     "Marissa I'm sorry! I'm so sorry M!" I fell to the floor screaming and crying for my best friend. Someone who would never get a chance to have a life because of me. "Because of me!! Dammit!!!" My tears came faster and I couldn't breathe. "I'm so sorry M...."