It Gets Better// Perrie Edwards

Stubborn (22)

Tissues might be needed FYI, sorry in advance xx

"Right, so Jed and I'll drop you off at the hospital and get you after about an hour?" Jade checked with me, as I pulled my coat on, zipping it over my small bump.

"Yep, and you promise me you and Jed will go on a date in that time, not just sit around waiting for me." I bossed.

"Yes, we will, I'll make sure" Jed stepped in, helping Jade into her coat.

"Good, okay, let's go check on Baba for the last time before tour" I said, yanking open the door, slinging my bag over my shoulder.

"It's unlocked," Jed said, as I reached the handle of the Land rover. I pulled it open and climbed into the back seat.

**skip drive**

"Thanks for the lift, I'll ring you when I'm done" I said, leaning over to kiss Jade's cheek, as I opened the car door.

"Get a pic for me" Jade called out, as I shut the door. I nodded and waved as they drove away, pulling my coat around me a little more as a brisk breeze whipped past me.

Slowly I walked into the large building, past the little boutique that I was sure I'd stop in when I was waiting for the 'happy couple'! I walked to the lift and pushed the button adjusting my shades hoping no one would notice me, unless it was absolutely necessary, after all it wasn't often I was alone in public and certainly not when I was nearly 4 months pregnant.

"Hi, Perrie Edwards for an ultrasound at 11:30." I said to the receptionist who smiled at me, once I removed my sunglasses.

"Perfect, you can go right through, the technician is waiting for you in room 107." she said with a smile and a hand gesture towards the corridor.

"Thank you" I said genuinely, turning on the ball of my trainer covered foot, walking down to the fourth room on the right.

When I entered, the lights were dimmed and the tech was stood by the machine, "sorry I'm late, I got caught in some traffic."

"No problem, I'm Amy I'll be doing your scan today, if you could lie down and lift your top up that would be great, I'll just go over some of your overall health things whilst you do that." she said, picking up the clipboard, "okay first, have you been feeling any morning sickness since we last saw you?"

"No, I did have a panic attack which caused me to faint but I felt fine after and I felt some flutters so I didn't think anything of it. I also rang the clinic and they didn't seem concerned." I explained, as I took my coat and jumper off.

"Okay, when did this happen?" she asked, noting something down.

"About a week ago," I said, shuffling up onto the bed, dangling my legs off the edge.

"And you're feeling fine now? and did you say you had felt the baby move?" she asked, flipping the edge of the bed up for me.

"Yes and yes I'm pretty sure I did." I told her laying down, rolling my top up to my bra.

"Okay, let's get going with this ultrasound then," she said, walking over to wash her hands, grabbing some extra blue roll for me to took into my jeans which I had rolled down too. "so baby is about 4 months?" she clarified, as she placed her hands on my belly and began pushing around, making me feel a little ill.

"Yep, she's due July 9th so around that." I agreed, breathing in as she poured the cold gel on my tummy.

"Sorry it's cold I know, so it's a girl?" she asked, as she moved over to by the machine.

"Yes, well I hope it is, she has a lot of floral things so I really hope she is" I chuckled, moving my eyes to the screen on the wall that all of a sudden displayed my uterus with a baby in it.

"Right so there's baby, perfectly profiled, so we'll definitely capture that." she said, taking a screen grab of the screen. "right now I'll measure her and then we'll try and find the heartbeat." she said using the tool to measure the length of Ebony.

"Okay, so she's measuring about a week smaller, but that can be pretty common for this stage of pregnancy." she said simultaneously worrying me and calming me if that was even possible.

"Next let's try and find the heart beat, as you know sometimes we cant always find it on the first try so don't worry we'll just look again." she sort of reassured as she began to move the wand, locating ebony's heart. I waited with bated breath as she locked onto the area the heart is meant to be, hoping that soon Ebony's heart would fill the room.

A minute later and she still hadn't found it, causing me to panic more, muttering something under her breath she looked at me and said, "I'm just going to get the head tech, it's nothing to worry about, I'm sure baby's just being stubborn, I'll be back shortly." 

After that she just left, saying nothing else, hurrying away. I lay there in utter panic, wishing I had taken up Leigh's offer of joining me today, just for the need of someone reassuring me and holding my hand. That sick feeling in my stomach I got before every show was back, with vengeance and I was positive, given the opportunity to throw up, I absolutely would be able to.

Not even five minutes had passed before 3 people came into the room; Dr McClain, the first technician, Amy and an older woman.

"Right, so Amy said baby was being a bit stubborn and not letting us listen to the heart so is it alright if Jan tries?" the Dr said, taking a seat next to me, I nodded and watched as Jan placed the wand back onto my cold tummy, the screen straight away displaying the previous image we had seen.

"Okay so baby is anterior to the spine, meaning our left side is here," Jan said, zooming in on a patch of Ebony's skin. I watched as she began targeting the waves in all areas. There was no sound exiting the machine, no flicker of the heart like I could normally see. I began to cry, the little hope I had left that everything would be okay, flew away like a balloon escaping a child's hand on a summer's day. In despair I observed Jan place the wand down and ever so slightly shake her head.

I just sobbed after that, completely and utterly sobbed. Breathing was difficult, all I could think of was Ebony.

Suddenly I was being sat up, and a tissue was being pushed into my palm. I looked up and saw sombre faces the pain in my chest growing and growing

"Miss Edwards I'm so sorry but I think your baby may have passed away," Dr McCain said solemnly, laying a comforting hand on my shaking shoulders.

"I need Jade" I sobbed, pushing away my tears with the tissue in vain.

"Would you like one of us to call her or yourself." Jan asked, picking my bag up for me, her voice calm and quiet.

"Myself." I whispered, locating my phone, and calling Jade, hoping she'd pick up, the reality of the situation settling in the pit of my stomach.

Ebony was gone.

I wasn't going to be a mum.

And it felt like the world was pressing down on me.