It Gets Better// Perrie Edwards

Breaking. Falling. Flying. (26)

I know I've been gone forever but if we had writers block and a load of stuff on my plate, I think it might be begining to quieten down so here's a chapter it's absolute crap but it'll do, the next ones should be good xxx Sorry again 😘

"Hi, thank you all for coming!" I addressed the lecture theatre from the speaker's podium.

"I'm Perrie Edwards, one quarter of Little Mix and most importantly for you guys founder of the charity 'A few minutes longer', which that I set up in memory of my daughter who I lost due to a ruptured placenta. When I lost Ebony, I had the pleasure of using a simple machine called a cuddle cot" I explained, gesturing to the blue device that sat by my feet, "this device allows parents to have a few more moments, a few minutes longer, let's say, with their baby."

"As many of you know, the skin of premature and poorly babies is very delicate and once they pass it decays quickly. So a physician in Germany invented this simple but effective device to allow patents those extra moments." I continued, flicking the slide forward to show the physician.

"Speaking from experience this cot can be the exact thing that parents need to begin the healing process, that I'm sure you all know is long, difficult and arduous. Having those final moments together can really improve family mental health and well being." I told them, glancing at my notes.

"I will now demonstrate how to use the machine, before I pause for any questions." I futhered, bending down to pick up the bassinet. I went through the steps before accepting questions and before I knew it the girls and I were getting ready to go and meet some excited patients. 

Holding hands, we set foot into the beautiful atrium that was full of love and light. We were met by the smiling pinkies, a group of the most incredible people who volunteer for the hospital, making the children comfortable and happy, providing a service that the doctors and nurses simply can't give. One of the pinkies led us to another meeting room where the whole of LFC were waiting as well. We were here for a small breifing on meeting with the patients and safety.

I was stood next to a member of the football team who had light brown curly hair and amazing eyes that were like pools of melted chocolate. "hi, I'm Alex, it's nice to meet you." he greeted, with a comforting smile.

"Hi, I'm Perrie, nice to meet you too, have you been here before?" I asked him, deciding that continuting the conversation would be a good idea, to keep me distracted from the feeling the hospital was causing.

"No, I've only just signed with the team so it's nice to visit the local hospital that is supporting the community I am now part of." He explained making me smile because it was clear how passionate he was about the community.

"that's nice, I've never been either but I just donated something to one of the departments, so I figured we could meet some of the kiddies too!" I told him, skipping over what it was I had donated.

"That's amazing! How are you by the way, I saw you on the television, what you are doing is incredible and I'm so sorry for your loss" He said sweetly, flashing that amazing smile again.

"Thanks Alex, I'm doing okay, I have ups and downs but all in all I'm alright, just taking it day by day." I told him, laying my hand on my stomach, as that would always be where I remember my Ebony.

"That's good, once again I am really sorry for your loss, if you ever need someone completely separate to talk to you can always text me, I can give you my number." Alex offered, as we made our way to our seats for a quick briefing, he handed me his number as Jane, the patient visitor coordinator began talking.

Afterwards, Leigh-Anne and I split from Jesy and Jade and went with a pinky to the first ward: cardio thoracic procedures. We took lots of pictures and met lots of inspirational children. There was even a 5 year old who was receiving a new heart and we took lots of pictures so she could remember today.

We continued around various wards, meeting all sorts of patients, until we reached the NICU. I chose to wait outside, as seeing all of the tiny sick babies would have been toe much for me. They would have reminded me too much of Eb.

I stood in the hall by the doors to the NICU, playing a game on my phone when some of the Lads from LFC came past, I spotted Alex and smiled at him, giving him a slight wave, before going back to the game.

I'm gonna sit this one out reminds me too much of my cousin's baby

I heard and suddenly a warm body was stood next to me.

"Tough one?" He asked, gesturing to the double doors with a stork painted on them. 

"Yeah, I just think of Ebony whenever I see them and it's difficult, I miss her" I said, a tear dribbling slowly down my cheek.

"Can I hug you?" He asked, as I started  shaking, my stomach beginning to ache. That was a sign of the PTSD, my body had gone through such a big loss that I sometimes get phantom feelings in my 'bump'.

I just nodded and let him hold me. His touch was gentle and it felt as though he thought I was going to smash. I let myself go and sobbed into his chest, feeling so safe in his embrace. Feeling so safe in this total stranger's arms. Feeling myself shatter and fall in love all at once. Feeling home.

In that moment, stood in the corridor outside of the double doors to the NICU in Alder Hey Children's Hospital, I knew I had fallen in love again. And it was okay.