Chasing Jacob (Jacob Whitesides Fanfiction)

Addiction

Late that night I was wide awake and couldn't sleep. I knew I had a long day ahead with Sunday dinner, but I was just laying awake in bed. I picked up my phone and found a message from Ryan. He was having the same problem. He couldn't sleep.

Our kisses kept replaying in my mind. We'd only kissed twice, but suddenly it was all I could think about. My thoughts weren't clouded with Jacob or Evan anymore, just kissing Ryan. I knew for a fact that Josh would freak when he found out. There was no "if" about that the situation. Josh would realize that Ryan and I were acting different around each other than normal and he'd figure it all out.

I replied to Ryan. "I can't sleep either. I'm thinking too much."

"Do you want to skype?" he asked.

I checked the clock. It was 2:30 and everyone in my house was definitely sleeping. I looked over a bit and saw that the baby monitor Josh had put in my room after the hospital was still there. It was definitely too risky to start talking. "I can't," I replied to him. "I'll wake up Josh." I sent him a frowny face.

He didn't reply for a long while and I figured he probably fell asleep. I put down my phone and shut my eyes too. It wasn't long before I heard the gate in thr back yard creak a little. I didn't think much of it until there was a tapping noise on my window. I sat up and pulled back the curtain. Ryan was standing on top of a ladder at my window.

I couldn't believe it. It was like he wanted us to get caught. I put my finger to my lips and opened the window for him. He was as quiet as he could be as he climbed through and sat down on my bed. I flipped on my lamp and brought a notebook and pen back to him. "What are you doing here? There's a baby monitor right over there. I don't know if Josh still has it on or not."

Ryan rolled his eyes and took the pen from my hand. "I wanted to be with you. We'll just be quiet."

I gave him a questioning look. What made him so desperate that he climbed through my window? "I just don't feel good tonight. I need a release," he wrote.

It made sense. My mind was reeling because of our kiss, but he was looking to feed his addiction. It sounded selfish, and it was, but I knew all about being selfish. I was positive that he never meant for it to be that way, but in reality, he was using me. I understood. I would use anyone if it meant I could get to a blade on a desperate day. I was just part of his addiction now.

I sat the pen and notebook to the side and looked at him. I was his blade and I was willing to let him use me because maybe in the end we could use each other that way. They say an addiction never goes away. It just gets replaced by a new one. Sometimes it's healthier and sometimes it's not.

He reached one hand behind me to the small of my back and tugged me towards him. Soon my hands were on his chest, trying desperately to keep just a little bit of distance between us. I was okay with it, but that didn't mean I was comfortable. He let me back a little, seeming to understand that I wasn't ready to be so close.

His hand slid from my back to my hip and his other hand cupped my chin. He looked at me and then shut his eyes, resting his forehead in mine. We stayed that way for a long while with me feeling his breath on my face. I started getting uncomfortable until I realized what was actually happening. His emotional walls were breaking down.

A long while later, his hand squeezed my hip and then his grip on my chin got tighter. It wasn't painful, but I could tell it was part of the fight for his control. I'd been in that place when I sat in the bathroom, a grip on the blade and a grip on whatever I found in my other hand. Sometimes it was tissues, or a towel, but it usually ended up being the edge of the sink before I collapsed to the floor.