Not Myself

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Ryan and Josh were on the sidewalk in front of Jacob's house and walked me around the block to the playground rather than taking me home. The place was deserted since it was so close to dinner time. Josh and Ryan climbed up on the jungle gym and I followed.

"What are you guys doing?" I asked. "You're being really weird."

Ryan smiled at me and reached for my hand, which freaked me out, but he only took my wrist and brushed up my sleeve and bracelets to see my scars. He leaned forward to see them and brushed his thumb over my newest one that I'd made the night before school started. It still stung a little bit when you touched it. I cringed.

He sat back and lifted the bottom of his shorts up his thigh a little bit to reveal his own patch of scars. They looked a lot like mine. I stared at them blankly and looked up at both of the boys' faces.

"I told you that wasn't the first blade I ever took," Josh said.

I shook my head. "I don't understand. Why are we here?"

Ryan reached for my wrist again, but I pulled away. "Because before you know it, that is going to change from being a release of emotions, to an addiction, to other thoughts, and we don't want to lose you like that."

I shook my head and started to climb back down. "This is stupid."

Josh leaned over, caught me by my armpits, and lifted me back up like a little kid, forcing me to sit next to him. "I know you think it's stupid," he said, "but I don't think you realize how serious this is. I almost lost Ryan to this in freshman year. I refuse to go through that again. Especially with you."

I knew he was talking about suicide. He was already too late on that. I had thought of it. I shook my head again, unable to speak. Josh hugged me to his side. Ryan, who was sitting across from us, studied my face. After a second he glanced up at Josh. "It's worse than you thought."

Josh looked confused. "What?"

"Her face. She's thought of it. You caught her. I know that face."

I tried to crawl away again, but Josh's strong arms created a barricade around me. "You're not getting away that fast, Cass. Is Ryan right?"

I shook my head. I was a terrible liar and I knew it. Josh could see through my crappy lies better than anyone. Opening my mouth would give me away.

Ryan and Josh stared at each other for awhile and seemed to communicate without talking and suddenly Ryan looked right at me again. "Cassie. I know that the last thing you want is to get help and see a doctor and have your parents know, so we're going to make you a deal. You have to listen to us and tell us the truth. We know when you're lying. I need you to work with us and trust us. We want you better."

I looked away from him. I didn't want anyone's help. "Cassie, it is going to get better," Ryan promised. "Trust me. It is. Will you work with us? If you don't, we'll tell. We're not afraid to."

I shook my head and tears came to my eyes. "There's nothing wrong with me. I don't need help." I buried my face in Josh's sleeve.

Both of the boys were silent, but Josh put an arm around my back and held it there. It seemed like forever before Josh pulled away and lifted my chin so he could see my face. "Sissy. I know that's how it feels, but it's not healthy. You can really hurt yourself like this. We don't even have to get to all those ridiculous thoughts running through your head right now. This," he said while he picked up my wrist and rubbed his thumb across my cuts, "scares the crap out of me. I never want to walk in on you bleeding like this. Ever. You are too young and pretty and loved to do this to yourself." I was silent and stared into the distance while he looked into my face. "I love you, Cassie," he reassured me quietly. "If you ever feel like you've lost everyone else, you'll always have me."

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