And When He Is Here // hayes grier

Chapter 5

↠Bradie

I spent the next few days after Dylan's death basically in my room. Watching Netflix, crying, looking through pictures of me and Dyl, and old conversations. It wasn't the best thing for me to do. But I did it anyway. In some way it made me feel better. In another way it made me realize how much I need him. But I can't have him.

I try not to think about it but its just so hard. I don't blame myself for it. But at the same time I do. I think a lot of people do that.

They think that there was something you could have done to change the persons mind. But in the end it's all their choice.

Hayes has texted me a couple times through out the days checking up on me while I'm at home and he's a school. I think it's sweet that he cares.

Actually yesterday Nash texted me-and I'm assuming Hayes gave him my number- he said that Hayes made him drive him to go get me Taco Bell. And I got my Taco Bell. It was really good actually.

I'm guessing from what I put on my nachos at dinner that one night at their house that he new what I like. I thought that was sweet.

He even came over to play lacrosse with me while I'm missing practice. He's really helping me get through this. I would be in my room all day if he didn't drag me outside everyday after school. It just means he cares. I still cry myself to sleep every night. Ryan even comes into my room at night sometimes to calm me down. He has to sit me up so I don't gag and I can get some air.

I've only had 2 panic attacks since Dylan. And that's pretty good considering when my dad left for the army I had about 4 in like a 5 day time span. But I was only 9 when he left and I didn't know what was going on when I was having them. I'm used to it now and have more control. But sometimes I just can't deal with it.

It was about 1 o'clock right now so I decided to go outside on the trampoline. I threw my hair up in a messy bun, some shorts I use for practice and an old Jonas Brothers concert t-shirt. That must have been huge on me when I got it because that was like 5 years ago.

I got onto the trampoline and jumped around for about 20 minutes and decided I was hungry. I haven't eaten much lately. Guess I just lost all appetite.

I made my self 2 egg salad sandwiches, I grabbed a bag of barbecue chips, an apple, and got a water bottle out of the fridge.

My mom said I've been crying so much I'm going to get dehydrated so I need to drink lots of water. She makes me sound like a freak.

I gathered all my food and went outside to eat on the table out there. It was peaceful sense I was the only one home. That's actually how it's been sense the second day I stayed home.

Ryan has been going to school though. He hasn't missed a day. And I missed my whole second week of school. I didn't even want to go back without Dylan. Ryan keeps telling me that people are saying they miss me at school and they want me back. It's Friday, I'll probably go back to school Monday.

I just don't know if I'm ready to see everybody. To go by everyone and have them look at me like. I don't know. I don't know how to describe it.Like I lost everything. Because I lost my everything. And they all know what happened.

Today was just another day of me in my room on my laptop. I logged onto my ask.fm, something i hadn't checked in a while despite Dylan and I saw I had a few new questions.

One caught my eye.

It read: How could you not stop Dylan from killing himself. What kind of best friend are you?