Acrophilia

XXXI: torn

       Jaebeom is cleared up the next day, his burnt hands will continue to bother him for a few more days, but overall he's fine which is a relief for his mother and friends. And although his body is technically fine, emotionally he's still a wreck, he's still barely coping with everything. He tries to sort out his feelings, but they are as erratic as his thoughts and he just ends up feeling lost. He wishes he could talk to someone and that that person could give him an answer, would tell him what to do but he's afraid that were he to tell someone what's going on, he would end up locked up in a hospital or something.

It would be easier to set on forgetting all about Jinyoung, but the possibility his mother is awake now thanks to the younger weights too much on him to just leave everything behind. And even if he wants, he cannot just erase his feelings as if it was just a worn garment. Jaebeom starts to wonder if confirming Jinyoung's involvement with his mother's state would help in any way to sort out his feelings.

That is how, after a few days, when his hands are better and he cannot deal more with his own thoughts, he goes to the hospital. He knows he told the younger to never show up in front of him again, but he probably still has to come out, even if it's away from Jaebeom. The older assumes that if he were to find Jinyoung somewhere, then it would be at the hospital rooftop.

Bundled up in too many layers, Jaebeom takes his time to head to the hospital rooftop, feeling like there's a hole in his guts and there's no way to make it better. He feels sick, anxious, scared and yet still somewhat hopeful. It seems there's a part of him that hopes Jinyoung helped his mother, giving him an excuse to forgive him and leave all the painful accident behind. But even if a part of him hopes for that, it's just not that easy.

When Jaebeom finally makes it to the rooftop, the biting cold hurts more than normal. Since that day after the argument with Jinyoung he's become weaker to the lower temperatures. It's like his body cannot warm up, no matter how high the heating is or how many layers he wears, he's just cold to the bone, even his soul, as dramatic as that sounds.

The rooftop is empty, luckily it is void of snow as the latest snowfall was the day before and they had time to clean the area. It doesn't seem like Jaebeom could let himself be buried in snow there again. Walking slowly, dragging his legs as if they were heavy with dread, he approaches the rail. His hands wrap around the cold iron bar and they burn again, the burns from before aren't completely healed and his skin is more sensitive, but he doesn't cover them in gloves, welcoming the pain as a pathetic masochist that needs to feel something, anything at all, that's outside the chaos of his mind.

Leaning a bit forward, Jaebeom watches the street bellow, the few peoples walking quickly to find shelter somewhere, and the cars and buses, unbothered with the lower temperatures, just going as usual. Seoul streets are always busy no matter the season. It gives Jaebeom a sense of normalcy, which is much appreciated when he feels so unsettled.

The young man heaves a tired sigh, his whole body feels so heavy and he really needs a break, take off some of the weight on his shoulders, just so he can breathe.

"Jinyoung," he mumbles.

There's longing in his voice, because whenever he felt like that before, when the situation with his mother was becoming too much, Jinyoung was always there to hold him. When the pressure broke him, Jinyoung was there to help him put the pieces together. Now he's feeling at the edge of the cliff, and there's no Jinyoung to help, quite the contrary, it is the younger pushing him into the abyss. And his mind supplies that if it weren't for Jinyoung, he would have never gone through all that anguish.

Jaebeom just can't think of Jinyoung without feeling torn in two anymore.

"I thought you were dependant of me... but it seems I became as dependant of you," he mumbles to himself, shaking his head immediately after for talking out loud. He does not need to feel crazier than he already does.