Acrophilia

XXXV: reasons

         Jinyoung immediately tenses but to his credit, he does not step back. The younger man takes a deep breath, squaring his shoulders and meeting Jaebeom's eyes. The older, after gathering all the courage to say that, is now blank. He just watches Jinyoung but cannot find the words to start the important conversation. There's so much he wants to know, so much he needs to understand and he doesn't know where to start.

"I... I went to see you, I mean... in your room, here at the hospital," Jaebeom starts, although he isn't sure where he's going with that. "It was a relief seeing you alive... somewhat."

"For now," Jinyoung shrugs. "Why did you go? I cannot hear you there or anything, I'm not really there, you know."

"I know... but I needed to know that you weren't gone forever. You, showing up like that was scary, you know that?"

"I'm sorry," Jinyoung looks down, looking really sorry. "I didn't do it on purpose to scare you or anything, I just... needed you. I know you don't want to see me but I couldn't help it."

"When... when did you do that?" At first Jinyoung doesn't understand what Jaebeom means and his brow furrows in confusion. It takes him a few more seconds to realise, his expressions shows the understanding and his features harden.

"Three or four years ago, I'm not really sure. I was doing really badly," the younger replies, rubbing his hands over his forearms.

"Why did you do it?" Jaebeom asks, realising he needs to understand that part of Jinyoung. Being just fascinated with death isn't enough for him anymore, and he needs to know what's pushing the younger to attempt suicide... multiple times.

"Why does someone try to kill themselves?"

Jaebeom doesn't appreciate the sass the other boy is giving him, his own expression becomes cold stone and he gives an unamused glare to the younger. Jinyoung has the decency to look away, biting his lips in regret.

"I wanted to die, I wanted to end everything. I failed, clearly. But I wanted it so bad."

Jinyoung's voice is deep and broken, raspy as if it was hard to get the words out of his mouth. Jaebeom can see how the younger buries his fingers in his arms, clenching maybe too tight. His own heart aches as much as his mind cannot understand the reason behind that desire.

Like an insensitive fool, he asks: "Why?"

Jinyoung heaves an exhausted sigh, his shoulders sinking as if he was carrying the weight of Earth on them.

"I don't have a good reason," the younger laughs, but it's so void of humour. It's dry and ironic, and it's tainted with deep sadness.

"I still want to know, even if it's the dumbest reason," Jaebeom pushes. "I need to know, Jinyoung. I feel like I don't understand a single thing about you, like I don't know you at all."

"You know me!" The younger cries out. "Better than anyone..." he adds in a whisper, his eyes trembling with emotions.

"Then tell me, I want to understand you better."

"Why?" It's the turn of Jinyoung to demand for reasons.

"Because I need to, to move on, to leave this behind... I need to understand."

His words seem to hurt Jinyoung, his expression is broken and hopeless, he looks at Jaebeom as something he knows he's lost and cannot get back, something he misses so dearly already. It makes Jaebeom uncomfortable and miserable at the same time, for he hates seeing Jinyoung looking so sorrowful.

"I just... feel void, all the time. And you know what's worse? I have no reason to feel like this. My parents are married and they love each other. We don't have financial problems so we live comfortably even if we're not rich or anything. We are all healthy. I have a very comfortable situation, my home isn't broken, I'm not bullied or anything. I have none of the problems other people face... but I feel empty. There's nothing I want, nothing I crave. I feel like I'm here just wasting space and resources. I don't... want to be alive, I have nothing to give and I'm just taking. And I feel like an ungrateful bastard for feeling like this when I have so many blessings. My sister, for instance! She is happy, she does something she loves and is good at, she has dreams but I have nothing. All I want is to... cease to exist."