Beyond the Reasons || JUSTIN FOLEY

Twenty-Two

PRESENT TIME
JUNIOR YEAR
TAPE 4, SIDE A
IMOGEN'S POV

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"You're going to tell me this one is no big deal. . but let me tell you about being lonely. Humans are a social species. We rely on connections to survive. Even the most basic social interactions help keep us alive. Statistics prove the subjective feeling of loneliness can increase the likelihood of premature death by 26%. If it sounds like I'm quoting from a school textbook. . I am. Too bad nobody bothered to read it. And let me tell you. . there's all kinds of ways to feel lonely. I'm not talking the garden variety lonely in a crowd lonely. That's everyone, everyday."

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I understand Hannah's take on loneliness.

I used to feel that way all the time. Even the textbook, 'lonely in a crowd lonely' it's easy to feel that way when you hang around jocks, and all they talk about is sex, booze, partying, girls and videogames, conversations you'd rather not find yourself in, because you're so repulsed by the way that they talk about women like they're objects and not people and you question yourself as to why you hang out with them in the first place.

I surely do.

Sometimes I feel lonely because I choose to isolate myself, and why do I do that? Sometimes I just want to be alone. Or sometimes, my loneliness comes from just pushing everyone away, because I tend to do that a lot too, but I understand that Hannah's was different. She had no friends, there were rumors everywhere about her, and no one to back her up.

I didn't back her up.

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"And it's not that 'when will I find love' kind of lonely. Or that 'the popular kids are mean to me' kind of lonely. The popular kids are always mean. That's how they get popular. I know, ironic. Old news. The kind of lonely I'm talking about is when you feel like you've got nothing left. Nothing. And no one. Like you're drowning, and no one will throw you a line. Well, when the subject of this tape worked his sneaky magic. . that's how I was feeling, and when you're that kind of lonely. You reach for anything. . no matter how silly it may seem."

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I haven't talked to Justin since last night, and also if we're being honest, I'm a little bit hungover at the moment, as I walk through the hallway, listening, I think I know where Hannah was going with this tape, because she started to mention communications class, and we used to do this thing where you could anonymously put things into this 'suggestion box' that talk about how you feel and if you wanted to claim it you could and we would discuss it in class, and even if no one claimed what they wrote.

We still talked about it.

I mean, it was communications after all.

We also had this thing called 'compliment bags' we had our names on them, and pretty much, anyone could write a compliment to you, and they could either put their name on it, or leave it anonymous. Justin put something in my bag everyday, and so did Zach, because I had communications with them, and Clay and Hannah, also Sheri and Courtney.

So me and Sheri wrote each other little notes all the time.

I put a few things in Hannah's bag from time to time, and I left it anonymous. I don't know why I was scared to put my name on it. But I think at the time, I just felt like our friendship was so far gone that if I would've put my name on it, she would've thought I was mocking her.