Jac was back in the church yard. Why does she keep coming back here? She is still in her beautiful wedding dress, confused and broken by everything
"Jac" she turned towards the familiar voice
"Zosia" This time she knew that if she reached out the person would not disappear, would not fade to nothing. Zosia moved towards her and held her arms out. Jac smiled as she gave her a hug. Jac clung on as if this was reality not a mixed up half world created by her subconscious
"What are you doing Jac?
"I don't know. I hate not knowing. I need order and control"
"That sounds like not taking a risk ever"
They were now sitting leaning against the old church wall. Jac suddenly noticed that Zosia was wearing a long dress which was the same colour as Emma's.
"Why are you so scared of taking a risk Jac. You've survived before - are you saying you wouldn't survive this breaking down so easier not to try?"
"I have Emma to think of now"
"And he's got his kids"
Fletch's name hung between them it did not need to be spoken
"Does it hurt any less to not at least try to be together than it does to have been together and it not working out?"
"It hurts either way Zosia but at least this way I can pretend that he cares, even now when he's with someone else. If I told him how I feel and he didn't feel the same it would kill me "
"You know that's absolute bollocks Naylor "
Jac laughed "hasn't worked out great for you has it? What makes you the expert on love"
"No it hasn't worked out for me but at least I tried. You got us together Jac, You believed in love. It was a risky game - imagine if Ollie had bottled it and I had said I was accepting the non existent Edinburgh job. Somebody had to make the first move though. Admit their feelings "
"I know Valentine better than he knows himself. He knows me. Told me I was basically poison. Made me think I had to protect myself and Fletch, I couldn't bear to hurt him Zosia, he's already been through so much"
She'd said his name again.would she ever be rid of this turmoil . Her deepest inner feelings, of her subconscious were screaming to tell him but her more rational mind kept reminding her of reasons to not.
