Blessings of Anathema

Chapter XVII: Ken III

I boarded the earliest flight possible back to Las Vegas. I arrived back the day after storming out.
Upon arriving in Vegas, I took a taxi to Ariana's house. It's late. She'll probably be mad at me for not being home on time. I chuckled to myself.
We arrived at Ariana's and I paid the driver and stepped out of the car. He drove off and I just stood on the sidewalk. I breathed in the cold night air. The city lights shined behind me, reflecting off the house windows.
Do I deserve to be here? A heavy knot built up inside my gut. I started thinking about everything said to me the day before. What is the right decision?
Maybe joining the fight is the only real option. Maybe my decision to return home is putting Ariana at risk. I clinched my fist. I'm a pattern of mistakes and a puzzle of regrets. I never know what's the best decision for myself.
I just want to live my life. I don't want the burden of my past to guide the joy of my present.
She's right in there. Only 15 steps away, but I can't move. I don't know if this cold air has frozen me still or if my own fear has took grasp of me.
My own fear.... what am I so scared of? That's simple... acceptance. What if Ariana can't accept who I am? What if the one person I can turn to.... turns away?
My mind is a cluster of waves and each thought is drowning. I can't make sense of myself and I hate it. But I've always hated it.... hated me. I can't even manage to keep my own little brother around and they want me to ally with him.
Maybe I have never been the best person... or maybe I have... I don't know anymore. I'm not even sure if life has been fair to me, or if I just expect too much. Maybe I missed every opportunity I was given.... if that's true... then my own loath for fate is entirely my own fault.
Why is all of this returning to me now? I'm unsure of what I want. I can turn away now and be myself... who I exactly am... alone. Or I can enter this house and play the role of who she wants. Sure she won't love me as who I am but at least I'll be loved in some way and that's enough for me.
Does that make me selfish? If I return to the others is that selfish? I'll only be returning to clear my self guilt... is it still selfish if it'll benefit others? Does my life even have depth to it or am I shallow waters to life itself... or is life just a drop of rain, and we're all the clouds...
I agreed to Prophs phone call that day because I wanted to help Pablo... but now I wish I never answered. Do I hate him for that? Or do I hate myself for wanting to hate another. I'm placing blame on scenarios that do not exist to allow myself a little closure.
I can't hate life.... life doesn't pick and choose who gets it rough and who gets it great... life just is. And it's up to us to mold it into our own ideologies. Even still.... I hate life.... and everything it offers...
"You're home!" 
I looked up and saw Ariana standing in the doorway. She ran at me and leaped in my arms. She was laughing.
This weight in my arms..... is nothing like the weight in my chest.
And in that moment, underneath the night sky with her in my arms.... nothing else existed.... I loved life.
And only one thing was cleared to me...
It's time to tell her the truth.