We Fell Apart

Pills & Potions

I lie down on my bed and blow out a huff of air. The humid air causing my cheeks to turn a bright and attractive red. The rooms temperature is set to about a thousand degrees less than usual and the fan was on. The cool sheets against my skin felt like heaven after a long day with Dray's family. Our family now. That would take some getting used to. Katy and I had worked the charm that our parents -mom more specifically- drilled into us as children and Dray's family had fallen in love with us. They had been a warm family but extremely successful. It always amazed me how well-off everyone I tended to be acquainted with was.

My head was pounding and I was nauseous from my lack of breakfast coupled with days worth of missing sleep. I wasn't hungry, I had simply been forgetting to eat. I'd never believed in dieting and always held food in high regard so my mom would never have to worry about eating habits that were too unhealthy and that's why she hadn't noticed. Thank god.

I'd been forced to get out of bed for the first time in four days for our lunch with Dray's family. It felt like hell and at some point in the day I'd made my decision. I wanted everything to go away, I wanted the pain in my chest to stop and the tears to stop, I wanted the pain of my life to go away. I knew it made me weak but would that matter if everything went away? Would being weak be a significant fact when I couldn't feel anything. No, it wouldn't and that's why a sense of euphoria so strong it shook me was crashing down on me. My high was unbeatable. It would all be over. I couldn't even think of what would happen if I failed but I knew I wouldn't be strong enough to survive it. That's why I would do everything I could to ensure success. When the house was empty, I removed myself from my bed and searched underneath, unearthing an unopened bottle of brandy. It was all I had so I needed to make it count. I grab it along with a shaving stick and walk to the bathroom, dumping the items on the floor and running myself a bath. When the tub was full, I opened the medication cabinet and looked for the strongest medicine I could find. I didn't bother to think how pathetic it was or how I didn't have any real problems. Don't care and will never have to. I don't hesitate to throw five pills into my mouth and swallow them down with a mouthful of brandy. I don't even blink when I take a different box of pills and take six of the much tinier pills. I lose count when I get to a box of sleeping pills and the capsules slow me down slightly but I don't want to let drowsiness take over me before I was done. I continue until I've take almost five of every single box of pills and then jump into the tub. I break the shaving stick in half and search for the vain on my left hand. Once I've broken the razor blade out of the shaving stick, I start to make small lines, smiling as each got deeper and tore into my skin. I close my eyes and drift off into a dreamless sleep.

It's over.