We Fell Apart

Broken

I found this chapter really hard to write! *sigh* enjoy.

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She's rocking me back and forth and crying. I want to tell her that the movement is making me sick but there's blood in my mouth. She keeps rocking me back and forth and whispering that it will be okay. Her voice sounds so far off and familiar.  I just want to sleep. There's a loud ringing noise in my ear, almost like a high pitched noise and my head was filled with images of hands. Hands and arms... Grabbing me and pinning me down. 

The high pitched noise becomes higher and the lady is frantically rocking me back and forth now. She's calling out for help and I realise with a jolt that the high pitched noise is coming from me.

The last thing I hear before the noise stops are footsteps. Someone running. A man in a large trench coat. "Is she okay?"

And then everything goes blank

I suppose I should have known that the voice of this unknown lady belonged to my sister but then there was too much going on in my head.

The next morning when I woke up I knew that it had been my sister. Instead of seeing her however, I saw my mother. Her eyes were red and I knew she'd been crying. She sighed in relief as I opened my eyes.

"My baby." she whispered as she stood up and took my hand in hers. She squeezed it and her bottom lip wobbled. I'd never seen my mom cry as much as I'd seen her cry in these past years. In fact before my first episode I'd never seen her cry.

"Where is she?" I asked drowsily. My head felt heavy and I had the faint metallic taste of blood in my mouth. I lifted my head and pain moved throughout my body in a rush. Successfully sitting up I check the depth of the scars on my shoulders and arms. A few of the acrylic nails that my mom's beautician had so lovingly done were off and my hands felt numb. I noted pieces of flaked wood and dried blood in my real nails.

I throw my mom a questioning look as she hadn't responded yet.

"She's gone. " She says firmly in a tone that means the conversation is over.

"Where?" I ask in an equally firm tone. She sits back onto the hard, plastic orange chair.

"New York." She responds flatly. My dad.

I don't want this piece of information to sink in. The betrayal was too acute and I could hardly believe it.

I turn over and face the other side of the hospital wall and close my eyes letting my mom know she can leave. I don't want her to see the tears that had formed in my eyes, trickle down my cheeks. Taking the hint she stands up with a screech of her chair and leaves the room. "I'll be back at the next set of visiting hours with Dray." she says from the door.

Tears are rolling down my cheeks as he digs his nails into my skin.

"Please." I beg one last time. My voice was hoarse from screaming and begging and my hands were tired from scraping the wooden floor trying to escape and make enough noise. My heart is beating in my chest, faster than usual and more blood fills my mouth from where he'd punched me. He kisses me again and I spit the blood into his mouth. Angrily,  he punches me again and with that final blow to my heads I blank out to the sound of his thick Scottish accent whispering soothing words into my ears.

I'm screaming when I wake up and my legs are kicking, my arms clawing desperately to hold onto something. My mother is standing by the door, her head buried in Dray's chest as she sobs loudly. He looks grim as a nurse tries to hold me down. The rough contact proves too much for me and my screams become louder. Two more nurses rush through the door and the three successfully hold me down, one of them pricking me with a needle. My arm becomes numb and then all my senses dull and I pass out. The feeling too familiar.

"Please!" I beg more frantically as he starts removing my clothes. I had been walking on the beach at sunset when he grabbed me and tied me up, throwing me into the back of his car. Not even bothering to shove me into the boot and gauge me. I'd fumbled for my phone as I'd passed the familiar surroundings, desperately texting my sister and silently pleading for her to be online. I was in shock and she was the only person I could think of. When the car stopped I frantically texted Angela and my sister the same message, giving them the name of the apartment building.

Almost all my clothes were off and I was kicking him and shoving. I'd passed out for two minutes and woken up to find him removing my clothes.

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When I woke up in the hospital after the nightmare, the second time round, my mom and Dray were sitting in the hospital chairs fast asleep. I couldn't call out because a lump had formed in my throat and crying out would hurt too much. I began sobbing in big, ugly gulps. My joints creaking with pain. I remember the feeling of complete and total hopelessness I'd felt in that moment. I shouldn't have been walking on the beach alone, I should have called my mom and not texted my sister and Angela. The message was still a draft and when I'd attempted to send it to Angela, he'd seen and taken the phone. Only my sister had received the message. She'd been too late. I'd sobbed loudly but not loud enough to wake my mom and Dray. I'd felt completely and utterly broken and this was perhaps when I'd fallen off the road to recovery and become broken completely.