tw; depictions of drowning
inspired by the song "lovely" by billie eilish.
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Jared sat down in the tub.
He sat down in the tub, fully clothed despite the water being cold.
He sat down in the tub, fully clothed despite the water being cold; he was alone.
His eyelids–his heavy eyelids–drooped closed.
He's left alone with his thoughts, which drift past him every second.
Isn't it lovely, all alone?
Jared bit his lip, sinking down a little. His eyebrows were furrowed in an effort to stop himself from crying.
He couldn't cry. That was for fucking wimps. Wimps like Evan Hansen.
He wasn't like Evan Hansen.
Yet, Evan Hansen wasn't a wimp.
Evan Hansen was the one person who understood Jared. The one person who he had to hug and cry to and just let himself spill all of his emotions to.
Well, look where that got him.
He fucking hurt Evan Hansen. And now he's gone.
Jared is alone in a bathtub.
Jared is alone in a bathtub that's going to overflow if he doesn't stop the water from running.
Jared is alone in a bathtub that's going to overflow if he doesn't stop the water from running. He doesn't have the motivation to move.
He kicks the faucet off. A little water spills over the edge.
Heart made of glass, my mind of stone.
All of this over some… boy. Some boy that HE scared off with empty threats he only really meant at himself. Yet, of course Evan didn't know that, because Jared didn't just upright tell Evan his feelings.
He used Evan as a target for all the insecurities he had about himself.
That's why he was in this fucking tub, sinking father and farther in. Water spilled out of the tub little by little. The floor was wet; a mess.
He was in this tub because of his lack of empathy for people and the lack of a filter.
Now that Evan was gone, though, he felt… empty.
He'd rather feel something than feel nothing.
Yet still, he couldn't seem to be able to.
Jared Kleinman felt fucking empty.
Even as water found its way over his face.
Even as he gently floated.
Tear me to pieces, skin and bone.
The water was relaxing. The sound of bubbles he blew from his nose and mouth was relaxing.
He felt… at ease. As if the world were melting away. As if the loneliness was dropping away.
After fighting to go to the surface, and after around three minutes had passed, an involuntary breath caused Jared to inhale the water he was lying in.
Immediately, he sat up, splashing around and coughing violently. More water spilled over the edge. He hacked away, his body racking with sobs. He curled up, both sobbing and coughing.
His lungs were on fire and every breath he took felt like knives were being pressed into his chest. He panted, shivering in the cold water. His eyesight was blurry.
He just let the drain open and empty the water from the tub.
Even after it emptied, Jared sat there, curled up and shaking from the cold.
Hello, welcome home.
