requested by someone on the deh amino!
tw; slight mention of suicide
Evan looked at himself in the mirror for what felt like the three-hundredth time that day. His eyes looked weary, with dark bags sagging underneath him; an indicator of little sleep. His posture was terrible in a sense, as his back curved outward and left Evan slumped. His lips were chapped and his hair was greasy.
For the past three days, Evan had been awake planning and planning and planning to tell someone. That someone specifically being Connor Murphy, a boy who seemed to get him more than anyone else in the entire world. Evan trusted him with everything. His broken family past, his past suicide attempt… everything. It wasn’t telling Connor that was the problem, it was the fact that Connor might hate him. Connor might begin to despise him, and for Evan, that was the worst that could happen.
Evan lazily combed through his short hair with his fingers and took some makeup from his mother’s drawer to fix up the dark circles under his eyes. He hated the feeling of makeup on him. He despised it, really. It made him feel even worse about himself.
Once Evan was dressed up in a loose hoodie and sweatpants, he knew he could start to head over to Connor’s house as he had promised. He couldn’t back out now. He was so close to just blurting it out to Connor already.
A million times, the same thing was said over and over again.
“I’m transgender. I’m transgender. I’m transgender.” He whispered to himself, tearing up more every time.
“My name is Evan Hansen and I’m transgender. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not who you wanted me to be, I’m sorry that I’ve let everyone I know down, and I’m sorry that I just had to feel this way. Just like everyone says so,” Evan said, now close to breaking down. He pulled into Connor’s driveway. Maybe he should just put his car into reverse and leave. Put his life into reverse and leave.
Connor heard Evan’s car outside and made himself out there after a few minutes of Evan not being heard from the door. He slowly walked out, and Evan’s heart beat in his chest violently. Every step Connor made toward him was another mini heart attack Evan was having. He felt like his heart was trembling.
Connor knocked on the window and Evan quickly rolled the window down with the manual crank he had.
“Um, hi.” Evan stared at the steering wheel.
“Hey, Evan. Were you coming in?” Connor asked. He really did hope Evan would.
“Oh, uh, yeah. I was just looking for something, and then, well, I couldn’t find it, but then I saw you coming and kinda froze I guess cause I was scared you’d maybe, I don’t know, maybe you’d kick me out, and just, yeah.” Evan rarely looked up at Connor, terrified he’d be judged.
“I’d never kick you out. You’re always welcome, and you know that.” Connor grinned softly.
"Always? Even if I’m not who you think I am, or something?” Evan asked, fidgeting a little.
“Always does mean always.” Connor smiled, opening Evan’s door for him. Evan slowly got out, and with a nervous smile he walked with Connor inside Connor’s house. He looked around the large place that was deserted, mostly, except for his mother in the kitchen. Connor quietly led the two of them to his bedroom, and shut the door
“What do you want to do today?” Connor asked, flopping lazily onto his bed.
“Actually, um,” Evan started, the tight feeling in his chest only getting worse, “I need to sorta tell you something. Unless you don’t want to hear, of course. I can always just shut up and we can forget this ever happened and, and-”
“No, Evan, please tell me.” Connor sat up and pulled Evan to sit beside him. Evan seemed very tense.
“Okay.” Evan gulped quietly, looking down at the bed sheets and beginning to fidget with them. Connor waited patiently for Evan to gain his courage.
“Connor, I know I should have told you earlier and everything but, I, I’m,” Evan began to tear up again, hugging Connor desperately, “I’m Evan Hansen and I’m transgender. And I’m sorry for being transgender. You probably don’t even want a transgender friend and now I’m ruining it because if you don’t want one, that totally contradicts yourself and I’m sorry for making you contradict yourself.” Evan spat out, needing to take a breath or two afterward.
“Evan, hey… I’m not mad. And I don’t mind what you identify as. We’re still friends, no matter what. I don’t mind. I don’t care.” Connor swore. He took Evan’s hand in his own and sighed softly.
“You don’t…? Not at all? Not one bit?” Evan asked in total disbelief.
“No, because you’re you, and that’s enough for me. In fact, I’m so, so glad that you were brave enough to tell me. And that you transitioned. It’s so hard for people like you to transition. I’m happy for you, if anything.” Connor hugged Evan tight.
“I love you, Connor.” Evan blurted out, beginning to cry happily.
“Me too, Evan, me too. Never stop being you.”
