The Pack

My Mental Health Journey.

Hey! Yes, I am working on the chapter, is long and complicated and to be honest, it touches my Sciles and Sterek feels. So, can you be patient and wait for it? I want to do this since the beginning and I think that 1st August is the best date and I shall tell you why and also why I chose this song.

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I

have mental illness, yes I do. Shocker? Maybe but I think I talked about it somewhere but I did not talk about my journey. So I have panic attacks and ADHD but right now let me talk to you about my 'panic disorder' and how I overcomed it THREE TIMES.

So, as far as my memory goes, it all started in 2013 and in that time I was a kid, like a very naive and stupid kid. I was gonna move and not from city or state but from country. And I was very anxious and it did not help that my parents were too busy with the documents, selling the house, repairing the house, doing visas and then, they had to take care of me.

My first panic attack (that I have memory of, maybe I had one before) was in breakfast time. My parental grandmother was visiting and we were all talking, I was making a tower with my bread when my mom said something about France or Canada. I don't know what came over me but some horrible feeling came to me, this feeling of dying. I fled like no tomorrow and got very scared but my mom calmed me down, I had no more panic attack that day.

But then, well, it came back the next day and the other and you know the drill. So, it was becoming a problem. A serious problem, so serious that I really thought I was gonna die. Days and weeks going to the hospital asking for a cure.

But you see, I wanted something that took the panic attack immediatly out of me. Like a freaking cure that I drank and I immediatly calmed down and it took me some years to realize that was NEVER gonna happen.

Long story short, we had to live with my uncle and he had HARSH methods that made my life a living hell, he is one of those people that is like 'Having a panic attack? Too bad, life goes on.' But I thank him so much for what he'd done for me, back in that time I thought he was just plain mean but now, I see he was helping me and thanks to him, I overcame a panic disorder before coming to Canada.

That happened in August.

2016:

Back in that time, I wished to get over that 'awful' year and wanted nothing to be with that year. I hated it soo much and now, looking back, I would give a thousand bucks to spend one day in that year. Because it taught me so much and I felt so safe and so happy but first I had to suffer.

In August, in the night, I had the first panic attack since 2013. And I was NOT prepared and I freaked out and I remember it was horrible. And that panic attack came with his friends, making my life too hard for me to live. I mean, it always happened in the night or really early in the morning when the darkness still consumed us. That's one of the reasons I hate the dark but it's mostly because everything is too quiet and nothing can be done.

Anyways, I did not have my mean, harsh uncle that time to save me. And my parents were truly trying, getting dressed at 11 pm to walk with an anxious kid that begged to be hospitalized. And again, I wanted something to take the panic attack, like in the moment, a drink that after a second made me calm down. Dumb right?

Now, in the mornings, I was depressed. Thinking about how those panic attacks would never stop and I even thought of killing myself, thinking about my classmates (it went to September), saying to myself 'Man, what I would do to be like them, without panic attacks,' because I did not value the mental health.