masked- (of one's true character feelings) concealed
To me, pretending to be happy had always been better than explaining my tears.
To me, smiling and being approachable had always been better than frowning and receiving dirty looks.
To me, living...
Usually, quiet time wasn't something I liked. It was as if my mind worked better in chaotic circumstances. I felt safer in a loud room with tons of people filling it. That way, I wasn't alone and that way, there was less of a chance that I'd get hurt. There was a point in my life where all I had was quiet time, I sat in it for days on end and it was incredibly dreadful. But as I walked to Joseph's house for the impromptu pool get together, I feel indifferent.
My mind was clear and for the first time in a long time, I didn't think. I didn't worry about how awkward things would be between Joseph and me at his house. I didn't ask myself when's the next wrestling match I'd be in and who the opponent was. I didn't wonder if I was only meant to be in Aj Lee's shadow for life. I didn't question why my mother stopped supporting me and if there was anything I could've done to change the way things worked out between us.
I just walked right foot over left, and then I'd repeat. My feet carried me while I took in the relaxing environment alongside me. In Florida, most people were friendly and waved as I passed by. I liked that. The birds sang and flew across the clear, blue sky. I wasn't a nature person, I actually hated anything that had to do with outdoors but again, I felt indifferent. I don't know why I was so calm but I decided to appreciate my pleasant mood opposed to soul searching for answers.
The walk reminded me of when I would stop by the grocery store to get ingredients for the night's dinner, and how I enjoyed the time to gather my thoughts. Or when I'd just lie in my bed with the tv off and no one else was home to bother me. I missed times like that, maybe more than I originally thought.
It was around three o'clock when I arrived in front of Joe's beautiful Tampa home. It was located in one of those rich people neighborhoods where the crime rate was extremely low, and kids could play outside without getting bothered, and the houses and streets all looked the same. The opposite of Philly, particularly Frankford in which I spent most of my time in.
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I was prepared to knock on the door when I heard footsteps coming from the left side of the house. I backed off the steps and poked my head around the corner to see Joe lifting two black, plastic trash bags on his shoulders. His muscles flexed as he walked over to the trash cans and dropped the bags off in their respective bins.
"Joe," I called out to get his attention. I wasn't quite sure how he had missed me in the first place. Was he ignoring me?
"Sorry, I'm still not used to seeing you around so I don't really know how to react when it happens," he mumbled, shaking his head.
I took that as in insult and twisted my face up in disgust before quickly fixing it and smiling. That's what nice people did right? Fought back with kindness?
"Well get used to it, because I'm here now. For good and I hope you don't mind," I said with much more confidence than I was feeling.
He wiped his hands off on his white beater before nodding his head. "And how do you expect me to believe anything that comes out of your mouth? You told me you'd always be there for me yet the past few years I found myself without you, without my best friend. When I was going through shit, good or bad, you were nowhere. I didn't even get a proper goodbye or some sort of explanation. And now here you are after all this time and I'm supposed to just put the past behind me? Start on a new foot and forget what you put me through?" he snapped.
