Summer Milestone

I'm Sorry

Chapter 21

~JOSH~

I don't even bother to call Anna because I know by now she's probably blocked my number. So I just show up at her house and hope that she doesn't call the cops on my ass for trespassing or some shit.

My heart is racing and my fist is trembling as I knock on her front door. I know this isn't going to be easy but I really hope she can find a way to forgive me because I'm kinda lacking in the friend department. While I know we'll never get back together I hope we can at least be friends. If that's even possible given all that's happened.

When the door opens, my heart skips a beat as I'm now face-to-face with my ex. And when she sees me, she lets her fury explode all over me. "What part of 'I don't wanna see you ever again' don't you get?!"

"Anna, I know you really hate me, but I need to explain—"

"Save it! I don't wanna hear shit from you!" She exclaims, preparing to slam the door in my face.

"All of the stuff Zack said about me was complete BS. None of it was true!" Well, some of it was true...

I seem to have caught her attention before she can abandon our conversation. "I know it's a he-said... he-said sorta thing but I swear to you, I didn't use you. It wasn't like that. If you'll just let me explain..."

Anna just rolls her eyes, exhaling deeply. "Five minutes," she says, opening up the door for me to enter. I take a seat on the couch and continue my explanation.

"Listen, it's really hard for me to explain, but when I first met you last year at the football game, I really liked you... like, I wasn't just fishing for a girlfriend because I wanted someone to 'use'. It was completely genuine, I swear. But... I guess... I didn't like you as much as I thought I did and I didn't start to realize that until Zack came back..."

"Because you liked him more than me?" She says, slowly losing her hostility towards me.

"I felt like the bond between me and him was stronger than our bond..." I reply insecurely.

She rolls her eyes again. "Don't patronize me, Josh. I know you had feelings for Zack and that's why you didn't feel shit for me. I mean, he said you tried to kiss him that night at the hotel—"

"Okay, that was a lie! I never tried to kiss him. He was the one who... tried that night."

"What? Zack? Yeah right, Josh!"

"I'm serious. That's why he broke us up... that's why he threw me under the bus like that... because he was pissed that I rejected him. Think about it, he was my best friend for years, you seriously think he would betray me like that for no reason?"

"Guess not."

"Okay... maybe I did feel something for him—"

"Then why'd you reject him?"

"I meant in a platonic way," I assert anxiously.

She does not look convinced. "At this point, Josh, I think we both can agree that both you and Zack have feelings for each other. It all makes sense now. You two were so inseparable when he got back. It was pretty obvious that you liked him a hell of a lot more than you ever liked me. Deep down I knew it all along but I just didn't want to believe it. When we had sex, I thought all of my suspicions about you and him were wrong, but... obviously not." I don't know why but after hearing all that, my face goes red and I just want to cringe.

"I... loved him—obviously like a brother, not like what you're thinking." For some reason that sounded less gay in my head.

"I feel like, you like him more than you think or want to admit because you're afraid of seeming or being gay and that's why you rejected him. But... realistically you wanted him to." Damn it, I think she's finally put the pieces together. She's finally figured me out and I couldn't be more ashamed.

"I'm not gay," I choke out through my tightening throat. God, it just keeps getting tighter the longer this conversation goes on.

"But you did secretly want him to kiss you that night, didn't you?" It's like she can read my fucking mind.

I don't respond but my face is so red and hot that it's practically screaming the word yes. I hate having to face this fact, but I can't deny that I didn't secretly want a kiss from him. It was just the two of us all alone that night, both shirtless in the same bed; the mood was so perfect. Perhaps too perfect. What if we did kiss and that led to making out and then that led to sex? God, I couldn't live with myself knowing that I had sex with another boy. Even if I... kinda wanted to.

"I guess that answers that question. Look, Josh, while I still mildly hate your guts, I really think you and Zack both need to get over your insecurities because obviously, that's what destroyed your friendship. So just accept the fact that you guys like each other and stop caring about how gay it is or what other people think. Who cares if you're gay or straight or bi or whatever?! It's 2018 for god's sake! You don't have to call yourself gay but you can't keep denying how you feel about Zack."

This bitch could not be more right about me. "You're right..." I finally admit to her. "I don't want to... but I can't control how I feel... and I thought if I just kept denying it, it would go away... but it didn't. It just kept getting worse."

"I get it," she says, reluctantly patting me on the back as if part of her still hated me but the other part couldn't help but feel compassion towards me. "This stuff takes time to figure out, so I guess I can't hate you completely," she smirks and shoots me a wink. I'm glad she's finally forgiven me. "By the way, I'm so sorry for calling you a faggot, I didn't mean it, it was just... the heat of the moment, ya know?"

"It's okay. I guess we're even," I say shrugging. Honestly, I couldn't care any less about her calling me that. Those kinds of words only hurt coming from Zack's mouth.

She playfully scoffs, "Shut up."

"So... we friends again?" I ask, needing assurance.

"Eh... yeah, I guess. But I still totally hate your guts."

I guess I can take that. Obviously, things won't be the same between us but it's better than her actually hating my guts. Now the question is, where do I go from here? I took my dad's advice by reaching out to Anna, but for some reason, I still feel empty. I guess it'll be that way for a while until I get over Zack. Who knows when that'll be.