Metanoia (Shirbert AU)

Mixed Signals

Songs for this chapter:
- What hurts the most by Rascal Flatts
- Sorry by Halsey

Gilbert's POV:

Never get too attached to anyone unless they also feel the same towards you, because one sided expectations can mentally destroy you.

Every time I glance at her, my heart pounds. It pounds in irregular beats and each time it pulses, the shattered remains jump around and pierce through my chest. She was never mine, and I was never hers, but she held a fraction of my heart with each stolen look. I knew I couldn't dwell on something that never was, but I can't stop myself from dreaming of the endless possibilities where we could have been something great.

Loving Anne was like a sacrifice of my heart. I gave her the power to destroy me by becoming so vulnerable, and that's exactly what she did. She was able to break the heart I didn't know I had. I never realized how deeply intertwined I was with her until I wasn't by her side anymore.

I made a lot of mistakes, but I knew she wasn't one of them. I don't regret my love for her and I don't think I ever will. Loving Anne may be painful as hell, but it's worth it because she is the most interesting person to cross my path throughout all my years of life. There will never be anyone like her.

And before I fell asleep yesterday, I thought of her. All I could think about was her, her words, her aspirations, her faults, everything we've ever done. When I entered sleep, I dreamt of electric blue eyes and red hair, because it's Anne, it's always about her.

I thought through my feelings as I sat on a bench outside the school building. I decided to arrive early, so early that the doors weren't unlocked yet. Someone sat next to me and I was sure that my choice of attire would hint to the fact that I wanted to be alone. My earbuds were in, my hood was up, and my shades were on, but still, there is that one individual who has the audacity to come sit by me.

I turned to the person to tell them to leave, but I was met with concerned blue eyes.

"Are you alright?" she asked, "You look down."

"I'm fine, Josie," I replied in a monotone voice. (A/N: Haha, you thought)

"You don't look fine."

"Just leave, please."

"C'mon, Gil," she smiled, "You used to tell me everything."

"The keywords are 'used to'. We haven't talked in five years. We've been going to the same school the whole time, so why do you choose now to talk to me."

She frowned at my words, "I'm sorry. I guess I should've talked to you more," she scooted closer to me, "I should have asked you sooner, but how are you, Gil?"

I closed my eyes and clenched my jaw, "Stop calling me Gil! It's not Gil to you anymore. My name is Gilbert."

She looked taken aback, "I called you Gil all the time when we were younger."

"Yeah, well it's Gilbert now."

She nodded her head and straightened her self out, turning her attention to the sun rising in front of us.

"It beautiful isn't it," she paused, "the sunrise, I mean."

"Mmm"

I wasn't in the mood to talk. I stared at the horizon and all I could think about was how much the colors reminded me of her. Anne was everywhere and I couldn't seem to catch a break. Her essence was in everything.

The sky that paled in comparison to her eyes. The sunrise that was painted with the same colors as her hair, providing warmth, just like Anne. The snow around my feet that was as pale and pure as her skin. The hooting snowy owl that glided across the air resembled her free spirit and wise nature. Everything screamed her name, everything hurt to look at.