Read If You Want To

my words to you now.

Death is all I want. Yet I fight to live. I pray for you and hope only the best for you. And wish the worst for me. I never cared for myself. I only cared for you and yet I still hope to be with you.
You probably forgotten about me.
I still want to be held by you, but you have someone who can hold you.
I am still keeping my promise for you.
It's hard to keep waiting for it pains me more as I do. I know you no longer have feelings for me, so tell me what do I do with the feeling I have for you. You lied when you said you would wait. You lied when you said you would take forever to move on. I believed you. I trusted you.
And now I don't know who to trust nor what to believe. My heart wonders if you still love me like you did before.
If you do why did you do the things you did....are you even closer to God now? I know I'm not. I wish I was. I no longer want to go to church for it is the place I feel the worse. Yet if I were to be in your arms it would hurt me more than anything else. I do sometimes with I was shot like what was planned by someone you know and dreamt by pastor. I put my love for you with my life. I could careless what happened to me as long as you were happy. So tell me now do you even think about me? Do I cross your mind. Please tell me do you have thoughts about coming back? If so tell me now so I can try to get these thoughts out of my head. So I may be cleansed from these awful feelings. I have been waiting due to what God said. I truly believe in the words and dreams he gave both of us. Do you remember them? What you said was a nightmare? And what I said my nightmare was? Do you remember them? I do and I am pushing myself hard and forcing myself to look like the guy you had seen in that nightmare where I was skinny and refused an offer. But I don't want to refuse the offer I want to accept it, but how do I accept that when I  hate the thought of kissing you once more. After all you did. I just I want you to know I still love you Rose.......please tell me you read this for it's my words to you how I feel now. For I do truly love you.....but yet I hate you so much and hate the thought of being with you again. Although I want to be with you again so very much.