Musicals Oneshots

I Loved You (Kleinsen)

I Loved You (Kleinsen) [TRIGGER WARNING] {Cutting/Suicide}

Haha this is gonna hurt.

Love is a painful thing. Really doesn't matter how long that love has lasted...may it be love at first sight...or a love that started as a friendship, over years only growing. Love can be a sweet glance at someone beautiful across the room, causing your heart to swell. Love can be lying to yourself for absolutely ever because you don't want to believe you have feelings for someone you just can't have. For many people, the second one...was a cliche. A cliche that somehow worked its way into their lives, something that was once just a story starter...but then it became their reality.

That was what Jared felt. Oh, falling in love with your best friend...just a movie cliche...no. No, no, no. He never once thought he'd wind up being head over heels for somehow he'd know for so long. He didn't once consider that he was in love when he looked into those absolutely beautiful blue eyes that made his chest feel utter fucking pain. It wasn't love, he couldn't love him. He thought that warmth to his face when Evan's pretty lips curled up was just the heat. He didn't think his urge to just KISS him was anything more than his loneliness speaking.

He knew. Oh, he knew he loved him. But he kept lying and lying and lying to himself because he was too afraid to face the reality that he loved Evan Hansen. And because of all those stupid fucking lies, he winded up alone. Evan found some pretty girl, some beautiful girl who he obsessed over and couldn't keep his mouth shut about because everything she did was perfect, the perfect equivalent of what Jared could do, but as a GIRL because Evan liked GIRLS and not Jared.

So, he suffered through it. He suffered through listening to Evan talk about her pretty hair and her pretty voice and her pretty personality. Her perfect words, her perfect body, her perfect life, her perfect everything. He sat and dealt with it, talking to Evan about all those pretty, perfect things. When Jared was asked about when he would get a girlfriend, he just swiped it away like it was nothing, with a, 'I’m just waiting for the perfect girl.’

Boy. Perfect boy. And there was no waiting needed. He was right there. But no...Evan, pretty, perfect Evan, couldn't be his.

It got to where he was tired of it. It meaning everything. He just wanted Evan to be his so, so bad. He was absolutely disgusting for hating some girl for such a reason like that, because he was gay for her boyfriend. Because he was with him through fucking everything he went through, he went through hell and back to help him with his problems, to comfort him during those panic attacks, to hold his hand in big crowds, to LIE to himself that he wasn't in love. He suffered for him...just so that he'd be okay. Jared just...he came to a conclusion.

Evan liked girls, one in particular. He'd never like boys, one in particular. Evan was happy where he was. He'd never care that way for Jared. Many love stories had the cliche of someone loving someone else, while the third someone loved the first someone. They'd wind up together because true love. But that couldn't happen for Jared, because of one main reason: He wasn't good enough for Evan.

He was just some snarky little asshole who talked too much and accidentally hurt people's feelings, some stupid queer guy who didn't even deserve Evan's friendship. After years of loving him, knowing him, being his friend...he knew. He knew one thing. No. No, he'd never have the one he loved. He'd never have him to himself. Plain and simple. Evan was all he loved and wanted. So why keep going? What was the point of living your life if it was worthless because you had no reason to be there, to satisfy your own happiness. To put up with the pain of knowing you could never have the one singular thing you wanted. To hate yourself to the point you started hurting yourself after a while, because you were getting tired of that dull pain and you wanted something new, even if it hurt.

Why live alone when you can just not live at all?

So...he made that choice. There was truly no reason to keep going anymore. After spending the day where you had only a bit of reason to keep going alone...after being alone when all you had left...was common sense…

Jared was now too tired to handle it. The feeling of pure dread to know...he was alone. He decided to just straight up get those words out of his head for good, 'You are alone.’ So he did what he had to do. He didn't want some romantic death, something quick and painless. He would make it last as long as he needed. Sure, he wanted those words gone as fast as he could...but he also wanted to make himself know WHY he wanted them gone.

He was alone that day as he walked in from school, a Friday, fucking beat after seeing Evan snuggling up to that perfect girl on the bus, talking to her and ignoring his wave and attempts to talk to him because he was caught up in her. He threw his bag off to the side, feet dragging along the floor as he walked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him, locking it with a shaky hand as he let his body sink down against it, arms wrapping around his knees. He cried. He just cried. He cried over him. He just wanted one thing in his as of now pathetic life, and that was love. His love. The only thing he'd ever want.

And could never have.

So...he sat up, knees shaking as he pulled out that letter he wrote, knowing damn well he'd need it. He placed it on the sink, eyes glancing over it a few times before he pulled out what he needed from the shower, pulling it out of a pack, letting his now weak body sink back to the floor. Jared sighed as he let his index finger and thumb slide over the blade a few times, just to get a feel of it. He'd done this before. Sides of his stomach. Places on his lower arms. Never where he was about to. Because he was always too afraid, but now...now he was afraid, but he was happy he was. He should be. He knew what was coming to him as he felt those hot tears pool up in his eyes, placing that cold, sharp blade right over his wrist...over a vein...letting it slowly slice into the skin.

His mouth immediately upturned into a crooked smile, knowing now...he was dead. He was going to die. That blade was pressed down into his vein, into his wrist, it broke something...there was blood. Lots and lots of blood...sliding down his arm, off the sides off his wrists. More than he'd ever seen...so he didn't stop there, he pressed it further, and it fucking HURT...it hurt in such a bittersweet way...such a horrible way...such a good way, knowing his pain was soon to be gone. His glasses fogged up, head starting to feel so, so light. Like he was on a cloud, he couldn't feel a thing. His stomach felt sick...his...arms...weak...his whole body...suddenly not there...suddenly on the floor...slowly becoming cold...heart stopping...blood...all over the white tile floor...dead…

He was gone for good.

“Dear Evan Hansen,

I'm sorry. I'm absolutely sorry for everything you're probably seeing now. If you're seeing this letter, you're seeing me. But not like you usually would. I'm dead. I'd rather just cut to the chase about why. It's because I loved somehow I could never have, Evan...you. It sounds pathetic, I know. I killed myself over you...because I just...loved you. You were and still are my everything Evan. I wished I could have had you as more than a friend, but I was too late. So even though I'm gone now, I only ask of you one thing. Stay strong, just for me. I know you get scared, I know you feel nervous, you don't think you're the best in the world. But I want you to keep your head up and fight past those problems. I'm sure Zoe won't mind helping you. She can be there for you since I'm gone. Remember how wonderful you are. Remember how sweet you are, how kind you are. Remember how cute you are. Just remember that you're the only person in the world that is you. And one last thing. Remember that I love you. If I'm somewhere where I can see you, if heaven really exists, I'm looking out for you. I love you, Evan...I just really wish you could have felt the same.

                     Sincerely, Jared Kleinman”