Craig of the Dead

9. Guinea His Pig

"Man, this sucks." I grumbled, sitting at the table as Craig and the other guys discussed what to do for the day.

"Shut up, you weren't the only one that had to get up early." Craig rubbed his eyes and yawned. "Now what should we do. There isn't much left to scout out on this side of town. We gotta figure out a game plan."

"You're right, and today's a great day to do that!." Butter said brightly. The morning never seemed to bother him, even though he never got much sleep. He would always pretend to fall asleep each night, and he might have everyone else fooled, but not me. I think he stayed up each night, his eyes wide open, for hours on end. By the way Butters was acting now, you would never notice the dark circles under his eyes, the way his whole body sagged to the ground.

"M'kay, so maybe we sho—" I was interrupted by Clyde, who had just snorted at something I had said.

"M'kay." He snickered, mocking Mr. Mackey.

"M'kay."

"M'kay."

"Drugs are bad, mmmmmmmm'kay?" We all began to laugh at our own absurdity. That's all we really needed, a good laugh. Even little Karen had begun to chuckle with us. She had gotten much better since I had found her and her brother. She smiled a lot less then. In fact, more the longest time, the only person that could make that girl smile was Kenny.

I recalled all of the times I had been sent to Mr. Mackey's office for " counseling". Usually it was because Cartman had done something stupid, so he would drag me, Stan, and Kenny all down with him. Even thinking about the times we were in trouble, I couldn't help but feel a painful ache in my heart. At least Craig had Clyde and Token. Who did I have? Scott Malkinson? No, I don't think so. Diabetes isn't my style. Shelly? She wasn't awful, but who I really wanted to see was her brother.

I hadn't seen Stan at all since the initial outbreak. This whole ordeal wouldn't be so bad if I had my Super Best Friend at my side, or at least know that he was safe. You see, I wasn't even at school the day of the first hoard. I had just gotten sick with a cold, so my mom made me stay at home. I think I video chatted with Stan in the morning, before he had gone to school, but only for a little while. After that, I had just lay in bed until the screams started sounding. I just hid under my covers and waited it out, hoping it was just a fever dream or something. It was when my mom and Dad came into my room giving tearful farewells that I knew this was starting to look serious.

"What do you think Kyle?" I shook my head, trying to zone back into the conversation.

"Huh?"

"Do you think Mr. Mackey's counciling is absolute bullshit?" Token asked. Oh, we were still on that.

"Oh yeah, absol—"

"Oh my god." Craig gasped, his eyes getting as big as grapes. "Guys, I've been thinking about this all wrong!" He stood up from the table and began pacing the floor.

"Whoa, dude! What is it?"

"Guys, what does a guinea pig do when it's scared?" He asked.

"I dunno. The one time I've seen guinea pigs, I was the one who was scared, not the stupid guinea pig." I said, recalling my friends and I's trip to Peru. Craig has never brought it up before, but it was really cool to think that he had secret ancient Incan powers. One time, when we were playing superheroes, I had asked Super Craig if he could show me the secret to getting actual lasers to shoot out of your eyes. Super Craig didn't tell me how to do that, but he did flip me off.

"No, idiot, they stay still. Like perfectly, eerily still. Like if they don't move, then you can't see them."

"Craig, I'm not following you here." Clyde said with a confused look stuck on his face.

"You couldn't follow him if he gave you a map." Butters pointed out.

"Oh please, Butters, neither could you. Both of you would take a wrong turn off a cliff."

"Heyyyyy......" They both said simultaneously.

"Guys, Tweek is a guinea pig. Don't you see what this means?" He said intently, still pacing the floor.

" Of course it's about Tweek!" I exclaimed. "Always the lover boy. There are other people than your Romeo that we need to find. What about Sta—?" I stopped myself, my face getting hot after realizing what my comment would imply.

"Tweek's a guinea pig, huh? I'm sure you wanna pet that pig. I'm sure you wanna pet that pig real good, huh Craig? You're gonna guinea Tweek's pig?" Clyde cocked one eyebrow and gave a sly grin.

Craig momentarily stopped his pacing to stare ludicrously at Clyde. "What the fuck?"

"Don't be gross, there are children present at the table." Scott said, covering Karen's ears.

"What do you mean by guinea Tweek's pig?" Butters asked innocently. Clyde lost it at that question, laughing boisterously and banging his fist on the table.

"He means nothing, Butters. Ignore him. god, Clyde, you're as bad as Kenny. What is that even supposed to mean?"

"Guys, we're getting off topic. I just had a revelation and you guys are talking about..." Craig's face went red and he looked at the ground. "Other stuff..." He said through clenched teeth.

"Okay, so where were you going with the whole guinea pig thing?" I asked.

"I bet he wishes Tweek's pig would—"

"Clyde, you are banned from table comments."

"Yeah, dude. Seriously, what the fuck? Well, anyway. My whole point was that my theory is that I've been going about this all wrong. I've been thinking 'Where would Tweek be?' But in my head I was thinking on a normal day! I've checked the coffee shop, his house, the Park, the playground, but he wouldn't be there, would he? I bet you anything that Tweek is still at school. In fact," Craig said, grabbing his red baseball cap off the table and pulling it over his head, "I bet he never left the bathroom stall."