A TIME TO HEAL

CHAPTER TWENTY

"OH MY god! Fatimah, I'm so sorry," Kelvin said, looking disgusted and embarrassed. "Crap!" he said suddenly. I looked over at him from the middle of the bed, he was sitting on the edge of the bed with his face in his hands. "Don't tell me you're a virgin."

"What? I'm not, relax. It doesn't matter anyway," I said lightly.

"Of course it does, how did we get here? You kissed me, why did you kiss me?" he asked.

Yes, I did and it had been a huge mistake. "I thought you were someone else," I blurted out before realizing my mistake. I saw his face go hard, and I tried to cover my slip up with more talk. "I was drunk. I honestly didn't mean for it to go that far." I stood up from the bed and my heavy head felt as if it was going to fall off my neck. "I thought you were someone else," I said again. That should make him sleep well at night. It was all my fault and I should be the one bearing the guilt.

He looked at me weirdly. "I don't know which is more shocking, the fact that I have your pussy juice all over my fingers or you mistaking me for someone else. Who?" he asked, but I remained silent. "Who did you think I was?" he enunciated when I still didn't answer.

I swallowed hard. "It doesn't really matter now," I replied.

He scratched his head and looked at the floor. "Your gown is still bunched up," he murmured.

Things were getting so awkward. "Gosh."

I ran into the dark bathroom and almost fell from moving too fast, I staggered to the sink and held on to it. My head was so heavy. I opened the tap and splashed water on my face. When I walked back to the room, the lights almost blinded me. I turned it off and noticed something was wrong.

"Kelvin?" I called.

I staggered out of the bedroom and placed my hand on the wall as I checked the living room.

"Kelvin?" No answer.

I closed the door to my apartment and walked back unsteadily to the bedroom. My bedroom smelt of sex, so I went to the bathroom and took the soak I imagined earlier that day in the pizzeria. I didn't bother leaving the bathtub after the water got cold, I slept off in it.

I woke up with a blinding headache, my eyes and head were throbbing so much. I stood from the tub and water trailed after me as I went to the sink. I got aspirin from my cabinet and swallowed it. I went into the bedroom and collapsed on the bed naked. When I woke up again, the headache was gone and it was past noon.

I thought of my action as I covered my naked form with a duvet. I had been plied with tequila the previous night and had allowed my hormones lead me into trouble. Things were definitely going to be awkward between I and Kelvin henceforth.

How did you remain best friends with someone you basically seduced? As if it wasn't bad enough that I had almost ruined our friendship, my treacherous body felt different now. It was as if a switch had been turned on somewhere in my brain, and I couldn't stop envisioning what happened without getting turned on.

I had guilt for what I did, and I was clueless on the next step to take. I remained in bed, turning and tossing. I didn't know whether to call Kelvin or not, Alex was probably going to kill me if she ever found out about what happened. I went to the bathroom and saw my torn panties and gown on the floor beside the tub. I folded the clothes and took it to the kitchen, I bundled them into a trash bag and threw it in the trash outside. I never wanted to see the dress or panties again.

I dressed up and drove to my therapist. I needed someone to confide in. I also didn't want the guilt to eat me alive, because I was feeling very bad.

"We had sex." I blurted out when I got to her office.

"Take a seat. Do we have an appointment today?" she asked.

I sat down and felt better by the familiar surrounding, the windows were opened so a lazy breeze blew in.

"No, but I needed someone to talk to."

"That's good thinking, Fatimah. I have an hour to spare so relax in your seat and tell me what happened."

"I went out with Kelvin yesterday to the club. His girlfriend was there and I was drinking with someone she introduced me to. I got drunk and Kelvin helped me home, I admit that I kissed him first but I didn't mean for it to escalate. I was just so drunk."

"Did you at any point try to stop it?"

"I wasn't thinking at any point. I was under the influence."

"So how did you feel after things cooled off."

"I enjoyed it but I regretted doing it. It was wrong, he has a girlfriend, fiancé rather. Do you think they're going to break up?"

"Is that what you want?"

"No, not like this. Maybe under different circumstances. I don't want to be the reason for a split."

I sat up straight and looked at my therapist scribbling something in her note as she sat behind her desk. She looked more relaxed, her hair that was usually framing her face was slicked back. I wondered why she was dressed casually until I remembered it was Saturday.

"How does Kelvin feel about this?"

"Sad, angry, I don't know for sure. I've not spoken to him since he walked out on me."

"There's a cognitive dissonance happening here. You enjoyed having sex with him, but you don't want him to break off his engagement because of this. Right?"

"Yes. If I wasn't drunk, I wouldn't have had the guts to initiate it."

"Do you think you could have sex with him again if it doesn't end his relationship?"

"No, never. Not if he's still in a relationship, I don't want it to happen like this again. As a matter of fact, I think I'll get a boyfriend just to reduce the risk of this ever happening again." I hugged myself.

"That's you unconsciously shielding yourself. We've talked about this before. Your solutions to problems are always extreme."

"That's the only thing I could think of."

"You have to control your emotions. It's possible that even with a boyfriend this could still happen. It's clear that you feel guilty, which is a positive step and you also admitted that it wouldn't have happened if you weren't drunk."

"Right."

"You're not beyond mistakes, understand this and embrace it. You have to learn to stop judging yourself harshly. It was a mistake as you said and you should apologize if you haven't yet, then let it go. Drink your tea, it'll calm you."

I looked at the tea cup placed on a small table beside the white couch. I picked the cup with its saucer and took a sip of the tea.

"I got you raspberry and blueberry flavor since you don't like the one I usually serve."

"Thanks." I took a sip again. It tasted better than the green tea I was always served during my sessions.

"I have an appointment soon," she said as she looked at her watch.

"Thanks for seeing me."

"And I'm glad you came to me."

I left her office feeling much better and stopped at the gym to use the pool. I needed to cool off and swimming was just the right thing to distract me from my troubles.