Trans Boy | G.W.

13. Ron

After a while I am calm again. I like Garrett's arms around me. It makes me feel a little saver. Even though, I don't get why.
I lean against him and notice that Andrew is filming. I ignore it and just close my eyes.

"What do you think your mom would do if she find out... About this?" Shane asks carefully.
I open my eyes again to look at Shane. "My mom is a powerful woman. She can ruin your career and everything. I just don't want you guys to be in trouble because of me..." I look down again.
"We aren't going to let that happen."
"You don't know my mom."
"Exactly."
I frown. "What do you mean?"
"She doesn't know anything about us and we don't know anything about her. So why would she try to ruin my career?"
"Because she's a transphobic and homophobic scycopath. She tries to get people down when it's for her own good. She uses people like toys. She's the worst, Shane. She didn't even care about kicking out her own child!" I start to shake and tears fill my eyes.

Garrett holds me tighter and tries to calm me down. But he can't do that. A million emotions go thought me: Anger, Sadness, Betrayal, Heartbroken, Loneliness, Hurt and many more.
"Ron, please try to calm down. It's fine. Nothing is going to happy to any of us," Garrett says soflty.
I shake my head and the first tear leaves the corner of my eyes. More follow.
And before I know it I am crying in a boy's arms who's trying to calm me down. A boy who I met only a few days ago. Surrounded by people I just met. Who I don't know in a way they already know me. Who already helped me and made me feel things I haven't felt in years.

And I wish my life was normal. I wish those people were just my friends and I was crying over something stupid. Like a boyfriend who broke up with me. Or some sad video I just watched.
I wish that I didn't had to cry over a mom who didn't accept his, for her, daughter. Because she is transgender and has a boy's brain so she identifies as a boy and wants go to thought hard things to become a boy. A mom who would accept the fact that her child of her is gay.
And I know it's stupid to wish these things because I know it is never going to happen.

Sometimes I even wish I was a normal person. I feel good in my own body. So I still would live by my horrible mom who doesn't deserve the status she has. So I never had to do this whole video with Shane. So I maybe would have my life together and maybe would have a boyfriend, or fiance, or husband. And I never even became homeless.

And even thinking this is stupid. So, so stupid. Because it's clear that the world isn't made for me. Yet I try so hard to survive and not end it all. Because I don't want that. Maybe one day I'll be 'normal'. And I will live in my own house with maybe a boyfriend and I'll be happy. I will leave the homeless life behind. And I just can go to work and do normal things a 25-year-old is supposed to do.
And maybe one day I will be happy with my body and completely be a boy. I will have a penis and not a vagina. I will have a guy's voice and maybe facial hair.